Eloise' Nursery

I did it.

I went in the nursery.

I had been dreading going in to Ellie's nursery without her. She was supposed to be sleeping in that crib. We were supposed to be reading her the books in there. We were supposed to rock together in the chair. I was supposed to go overboard on her outfit and match the perfect bow to her shirt.

And now I can't.

I sat in there are cried.

I read her a book that I picked up last weekend for her called "Ellie." I found a little box from the hospital with her bracelets and hospital blanket, and little hats. 

I looked at all her clothes that I won't get to be able to dress her up in. So many dress or fun outfits. We even bought a fake leather jacket for next year for when she would be hanging out with my dad. I couldn't wait for her to "open" Christmas presents from my parents, knowing she got some adorable outfits (one that matches my cousin's daughter's outfit since they were going to be just a couple weeks apart).

We never got a chance to fully finish her room. The fabric for her curtains had just come in a week or two before she was born. We just started hanging her artwork and figuring out where to put frames for her newborn photos. We were still trying to figure out where all the toys would go. And I was getting all her Christmas outfits ready for the week of Christmas (this week). Her room was going to be so perfect for our little girl. Not overly girly, but just enough.

Now that I have gone in there, I'm hoping to finish her room still over the next few weeks. I want to see my vision fully finished. I want to read a story to her in there every night. I want to sit in there and talk to her. But not today. Today is now going to be "one of those days" where I just can't even make myself do anything. But that's OK. I am learning that I'm going to have many days like this. even 20 years from now.

When her nursery is all done I will share some photos of it :)

Factor V Leiden

     At my 6 week PP check up, my doctor ordered 5 different blood tests to see if there are any answers as to what happened hidden in my DNA. We had to wait 6 weeks because of all the blood transfusions I had to have. The tests she ran were CBC, ANA Panel Blood Scrn, Lupus Anticoag PL, Factor V Leiden/PCR, and MTHR. The Factor V (Factor Five) test was my biggest concern. She had brought it up at my 1 week PP appt. and I did some research on it when I got home. From what I read back then, I just had a feeling I would be testing positive for it. I had 4 of the 5 symptoms when I gave birth to Eloise (one being preeclampsia!).

     And the results?? POSITIVE FVL. Even though I had a feeling of a positive result, it still is incredibly upsetting and scary. Factor V Leiden is a blood clotting disorder that is genetic, yet no-one in my family has been diagnosed with it before me. My biggest concern now is my day to day life. I have so many unanswered question and have to go see a primary doctor about everything. Most people are put on blood thinners for this. That's terrifying to me. I have to learn about the warning signs that I may have a blood clot and be able to get to a doctor right away if I suspect I do.

     I had joined a Pre-Eclampsia survivors group on FB and asked there if anyone had been diagnosed with FVL and went on to have a healthy baby. One woman said she had FVL hetero (like me) and MTHR homo (which I'm still trying to figure out), and did have a healthy baby. Unfortunately because of the health risks involved, she couldn't enjoying her pregnancy. It was terrify that at any moment something could go wrong. She had to see her regular OB and a high risk OB every other week for the first 6 months, and then had bi-weekly appointments.

     Joel and I aren't ready to make any decision about growing our family just yet, but for me, doing research prepares me for when we will be there. I have to be fully informed about the risks to our potential children as well as to me. I cannot put myself at risk and leave Joel without his family which very well could have happened (I read my c-section report, but that's for another day)!

     For now, we have to just try to survive the holidays, and wait for my next appointment to learn more. 

December 8, 2015

     Yesterday (12/8/15) was Ellie's due date. I had been dreading it for weeks, knowing it's right between Thanksgiving and Christmas. How was I supposed to be thankful or excited about the holidays without my little one that I had spend the last year dreaming of these moments with. I found the week of Thanksgiving that the busier I was, the better I was. Going over my mom's house to get everything ready for the entire week leading up to Thanksgiving kept my mind busy and from going to bad places. After getting through Thanksgiving, I had a hard time wanting to do anything again. I have had to be careful as to what I did until I had my 6 week follow up with my doctor, so I was pretty much stuck to laying around the house or just walking around the mall, which doesn't help. I either see all the little kids or the little baby clothes when I go to the mall, or lay around the house sitting on Facebook which is flooded with pregnancy announcements, posts about people giving birth, or seeing newborn and family photos on all the photography groups I am in. Not. Fun.

     As we get closer to Christmas, I really have not wanted to decorate. To me there was just no point. But Joel did. And as hard as it is, I had to let it happen for him. Grieving differently than my husband has been challenging. I have had to accept that sometimes he needs me to let things like decorating for Christmas happen as if they would have if Ellie was here. Knowing how hard Ellie's due date was going to be, my mom still took of the two days she had set aside for when Ellie was to be born. I realize a due date is just an estimate, but there is still something about that day. I knew I would be having my daughter soon. I would finally see how the day I would go into labor would play out, a day I had been thinking of different scenarios would go. We would be getting the most amazing Christmas present we could have ever asked for. So as hard as it was, we decided to decorate for Christmas on Ellie's due date.

     We started the day a bit chaotic. I was supposed to pick mom up at the mechanic in the morning. I went to leave to get her and couldn't get into the garage with Joel having the one good garage door opener we have because the battery in the other one was dead. Luckily she dropped the car off at a place down the street from me and we started walking towards each other. Then we walked to AutoZone to get a new battery for the other remote, and finally walked back. By now we are so hungry, and decide to go out to breakfast at Yours Truly, my favorite. As we are driving we decide to go shopping at a couple stores out that way, and end up turning around to go to mom's house for coupons. After spending 30 minutes there looking through the coupons and letting the dogs out, we head to breakfast.

     We started shopping at Home Goods, one of my favorite stores. After about 1.5 hours of walking through the store we get to the kids section. Of course I found so many things I would have bought Ellie for Christmas next year. A little stool with an Elephant on it, a baby doll carriage, a stuffed Elephant, and lots of books. That was difficult. Kohl's next. We went in there for maybe one thing, and ended up walking almost the entire store. When we got to the Christmas section, the whole point of going in there for a Christmas tree skirt, I started crying. Seeing all the little girl ornaments for different events and milestones tore me apart. I want to buy those. I want to get a ballerina ornament if she is in dance classes. I want to get the school ornament for her first year in school. I want all of them. And I can't.

     When we finally got home, it was time to decorate. Thank god I had my mom there to help me. I would not have been able to do much without her. We started with the tree first. Joel came home from work when we were adding ornaments, and it was nice to have him home to decorate, too. We ordered some pizza, dad came over, and we all had dinner together. After dinner, mom and I went back to decorating, while Joel and Dad played some pool with the puppies running around. While talking to mom, we decided that from now on, as hard as the holidays will forever be, December 8th will be the day we decorate our house for the holidays. A day to keep Ellie's memory alive for us, her future siblings, and for others. A tradition to honor my sweet girl.

Thanksgiving

     I was not looking forward to the holiday's starting. Ellie's due date was so close to Thanksgiving and then Christmas right after. In my family, Thanksgiving starts off our holiday traditions. My whole family (both sides, and now my husbands side) get together at my parents house. No less than 20 people. Then on black friday we used to go shopping and out to eat, but starting last year we decided to go winery hopping. Obviously this year I wasn't going to be able to participate, but I was still going to go and spend time with our family. Then on Saturday we decorate my mom's house for Christmas.

     Thinking about not having my Ellie Bear with us for the holidays has been so hard. I always said I didn't want to have a child around Christmas. My sister's birthday is New Years Day and she hated it. Plus it's a lot financially all at once. But the closer we got to her due date, the more excited I became about her birthday being in the middle of the holiday season. Making the holidays that much more special. I bought the most adorable outfits for her to wear for Christmas this year. I had bought a different Christmas outfit for every day in December. I couldn't wait to decorate the house with her. Take photos of her in front of her first Christmas tree.

     I helped my mom all week long getting ready for Thanksgiving. One day my grandma came over to help us with the baking. That was probably one of the hardest days of the week. Having 3 generations baking recipes that my grandma used to make for my mom. Ellie should have been there.
She should have been sleeping in the baby wrap I bought. She should be getting to experience the tradition of making the sausage stuffing. She should be learning our traditions year and year.

     I have yet to decorate our house for Christmas. I have several ornaments for Ellie, but it's been hard to want to put anything up. The other day I thought I might, but it changes every day, even every hour. Yesterday I wanted to decorate. Today I don't. Tomorrow we will see. I just want her to be here to do it with. To start new traditions with her. But I can't, and that hurts so very bad.

One Month

     Today marks one month since we had to say goodbye to our daughter. How is that even possible?! We should be counting down the last two weeks of pregnancy, not this. This last month has been the worst month of my life. Trying to accept this new reality that I am living is challenging. I should still have a nice big round belly. I should be finishing up her nursery. Joel should be reading her a bed time story at night.

I should be waking up to her wonderful kicks every morning. We should be playing her favorite song (by Led Zeppelin) while she would have a dance party in my belly. We should be wrapping her Christmas presents. I couldn't wait to build a relationship with her like the one I share with my mom. I couldn't wait to give our parents their first grandchild. I couldn't wait to give my grandma Lashley her 4th great grand baby, my grandma yahraus her first, and Joel's grandparents their first. I couldn't wait to take extended family pictures with 4 generation. My life is forever in a state of "we should be" instead of "we are." All the little things that most people take for granted, I won't ever get those moments. I don't get to deal with a crying child in the middle of the mall. I don't get to argue over what clothes she's going out in. I don't get to take her wedding dress shopping. I don't get to experience any of it. My life is so incomplete without her. Even while I was still carrying her, our house felt so much fuller, and warmer. Now it feels so empty. So cold. So quiet. Going anywhere and coming home to this house is awful.

     Yesterday we packed up the downstairs play room that we had put together. Man did that suck. We had already purchased her Christmas presents. One of my favorite things we bought her was a book called "On the Night You Were Born." I planned on reading that to her every year on her birthday. And I think I still will. But seeing how empty our house is without baby toys everywhere is sad. I remember thinking we didn't have enough room in our house for two dogs, a baby, and all the stuff that babies come with. But we moved and shuffled everything around. And it was all falling into place. Now, it's so empty. I still have yet to go into her nursery. The door stays closed. I looked at the last few pictures I had taken of the room the other day

 and I miss it. I was enjoying decorating that room so much and making it the most perfect space for our perfect little lady. I want to go in there, but I'm scared. Scared of what, I don't know. But the thought of going in there is terrifying.

     Packing up maternity clothes was pretty horrible as well. I loved watching my belly grow, knowing my girl was growing big and strong. I loved shopping for new clothes and getting the perfect outfit together for our maternity photo session. I loved how comfy all the clothes were. One of the last photos I have of Ellie before she was born is one of me trying on a shirt at Burlington for our photos.

I had been looking for weeks for the right red plaid shirt to go with Joel's black sweater. I was hoping there would be snow on the ground for the photos, even though I HATE winter. Getting dressed in the morning or looking in the mirror hurts my heart so much. This new body I am in, one that doesn't carry my child, is confusing. Maybe because my body took 8.5 months to grow, and in the matter of two hours it was small again, it's hard to grasp that my belly isn't a beach ball still? The only physical evidence I have of carrying Eloise is the scar from my c-section. I didn't get stretch marks, which most women would love, but not me. I want those physical reminds of how amazing the human body is, to be able to create and carry life. Maybe as my body continues to heal and the swelling goes down even more, some will appear. I hope.

Grief Counseling

     Last night Joel and I attended our first grief counseling meeting, along with my mom, for people who have lost a child. I went back and forth about going all day long, and almost told my mom that I wasn't going to go after all. But I made it. It was very hard. I don't like going to things that I'm not sure what to expect. I was scared. It's much easier to share what we are going through while sitting at a computer alone vs. in person. When I'm putting my thoughts and emotions into these posts, you're not seeing what I'm going through, how I cry the entire time I'm typing. Being with a group of people I don't know at all, and possibly sharing our story made me very nervous.

     When we got there, I noticed just about everyone was older. Although everyone has lost a child, I didn't know if anyone there would relate to Joel and I in the sense that we lost our infant. Some people think that losing a baby is somehow easier than losing a child at an older age. That they got to know their child and really experience them, and then had to say goodbye. That because miscarriage and stillbirth is common, it's somehow easier. It's not. Anyone who has experienced this loss understands that that's not the case.

     Just before the meeting started, a couple about Joel and I's age walked in. They were one of the first few to speak once we got started. They lost their baby girl at 24wks. As much as it's truly sucks going through this new life we are living, meeting others who are also on the same journey as us, and having them to talk to about things is helps. We aren't alone. They asked us questions about our daughter, and we talked about theirs. We want to talk about our babies, but most people don't know how to, or what is appropriate. They don't want to hurt our feelings by bringing up our loss. But we want to talk about Eloise. The dreams we had for her. The fun things we had already planned to do with her.

     So although it may be hard for us right now, know it's okay to ask about Eloise. We love hearing her name. We love that she is being remembered. We love that she is a part of our family. Forever.

Eloise

     Today is the date we had set for our maternity photos. I had been looking forward to today for so long. Every year around our wedding anniversary, Joel and I have new photos taken. It's important to me to have photos done at least once a year to see how we have changed. This year we decided since Joel was working in Vegas and we were trying to save money, that we would save our yearly photos for a maternity session rather than doing one in July, and one in November. Looking back I wish I would have done both sessions. I don't have many photos of Joel and I together with Ellie inside. I wish Joel and I could have been together more. Even though he was working to support us, sometimes there are more important things than money. I wish I would have taken more "bump" pictures. Anything that would have her in them so I could show her (potential) siblings. I wish I didn't complain about my morning sickness. It meant she was still safe in my tummy. I wish I didn't complain about getting a van. It meant we could keep her safe.

     Joel and I have decided to have family portraits done in December. We are going to order a photo of her that Amanda (Amanda Jane Photography) took in the hospital so she gets to be a part of the session. Our yearly photos from now on will always have her in them.

     The hard part of that is knowing that every year we should be celebrating new milestones of her development. When she says her first word, takes her first step, her first tooth, learns to ride a bike, has her first day of school, has her first best friend, her first sleep over, her first daddy daughter dance, her first school dance, her first boyfriend, her first heartbreak, prom dress shopping, looking at collages, her wedding. All these things that I have spent the last 8 months dreaming of and looking forward to. I won't get them. That hurts.

     I've tried to focus on the fact that I did get to spend 8 months with her. But 8 months just isn't enough. I only had one of those months to know we were having a girl. I so badly wanted to have a surprise the day she was born. Joel wanted to find out as soon as possible. Looking back, although the the baby shower was so much fun as a surprise, I wish we would have found out right away. I loved getting to talk to her about every thing we were going to do and call her by name.

     I have been so in love with her name. Joel and I never had to discuss names too much. Only her middle name. We went back and forth on several. Loren, Hazel (Joel's pick), Harlow (my pick), and finally Rose (my middle name). I always said its not fair for guys to name their sons after them, but women don't. So I wanted her to have part of my name. And Joel agreed. The most perfect name for our perfect daughter.

Eloise Rose Price <3 

A Sibling for Eloise

     Yesterday should have marked 36 weeks of pregnancy. I still get all the Babycenter and The Bump emails. Every time I check my mail box there is something baby related in there. On Monday it was Parents magazine, Family magazine, and sample box of formula, 4 cards from the Preeclampsia Foundation, and another sympathy card. Checking the mail is becoming a really sucky part of my day. Constant reminders that I don't have my baby girl in my arms. As if having all the baby stuff in the house isn't hard enough most days. There are times when I just want to get rid of it all or put it in storage. At the same time, having the toys everyone bought for her or we bought for her makes me happy to know we did have a beautiful little girl.

     The first time a second child was brought up to us was while I was in the ICU. The OB that delivered Eloise was going over the surgery and said that normally when someone is in as bad of a condition as I was, they are not able to save the uterus. Mine was. She also said that they made my incision low enough that should Joel and I decide to have more children, I will be able to have a vaginal birth.

     The thought of having another child is terrifying. I don't want to go through another pregnancy, only to lose another baby. I will be so scared of every little thing that I do or feel, that I won't get to enjoy my pregnancy. But mostly, I don't want people to forget about Ellie if we have a healthy second child. Everyone tells me that we won't every forget her. I'm not worried about that. She will forever be apart of me. I just don't want anyone else to forget her. I don't want people to tell me that our SECOND child will be our first child in their eyes. I want Eloise to fully be a part of our family, and for her younger siblings to know they have a big sister watching over them.

     If I decide to decorate for Christmas this year (which right now I just just have no desire), I want to get Ellie her own stocking. I plan on getting her an ornament for her first Christmas, her first birthday, and if she does become a big sister. I normally an going nuts waiting to play Christmas music by now. In my family you have to wait until the day after Thanksgiving to play Christmas music. I planned to have Christmas music playing when I would be in labor with El. Now, everything about the holiday's makes me want to crawl in bed. If/when we decide to have a second child, I think playing Christmas music should be played during that labor no matter what time of year it will be, so we have Eloise in the room with us. 

Breast Milk Donation

     It's hard for me to feel like I can call myself a mom without having a baby to hold in my arms. I know I am, but saying it out loud both hurts, and feels good. Something I decided while in the hospital was to donate my breast milk. I saw something about it on pinterest once and the idea stuck. I thought this would be a way for me to feel more like a mom. My body is going through everything any other mother's would go through after giving birth, so why not try to help others in need. If I was in a position of needing breast milk for my baby and couldn't provide it, I would want someone to do that for me. And again, this is one more way to feel like a real mom.

     Some days it gives me such a good feeling knowing I am helping someone. That out of our horrible horrible situation, I can give to a family in need. Other days it's really hard. I want to rock my baby girl in her room and nurse her. Today was one of those days. It was hard for me to get through my second pumping this morning. But I did. And I just have to keep telling myself that I would have raised Eloise to give back to others, and I can do it.

If you want more information on breast milk donation, here is a link to their website.
https://www.ohiohealth.com/milk-donation-process/

The Worst Day of My Life

The pressure that started Wednesday night grew stronger over the next few hours. I debated calling the doctor, but it was still manageable. I tried to go to bed, but kept getting up to go to the bathroom. By 11:15pm I knew something was wrong and the pain was no longer something I could deal with. I got incredibly hot and sat on the tile bathroom floor to try to help. While sitting there, I felt a pop and right after a gush of something, Never having given birth before, I thought maybe at worst my water broke and I was in labor. I felt to see what it was, and my hand was full of blood. I screamed for Joel who was asleep. I was crying saying I'm bleeding and needed something to try to stop it, and I wanted to call an ambulance. Thankfully Joel was able to keep his head on straight enough to know that he could get me to the hospital faster than waiting for an ambulance to get to us and then get us to a hospital. He got to Hillcrest in 15 minutes. By now it's just after midnight. October 22, 2015.

We rushed up to labor and delivery where I was put in a triage room. I was shaking so much and was so cold. The first OB Doctor came in while nurses tried to find Eloise's heartbeat. They couldn't. Another nurse kept asking if I was always this pale and I couldn't answer, so they asked Joel who of course was in shock over everything that was happening. He said sure I dont know she lives in Ohio. But my lips were almost white. The nurse that had been trying to find Ellie's heartbeat got an ultrasound machine. I told her we have always had trouble finding her heartbeat at regular checkups, that she was just a stubborn little girl like her momma. They found the placenta and told me it was right in front, which is why finding her heartbeat was difficult. I never knew that's where it was. They finally found baby girl, and after what seemed like forever, they once again said there was no heartbeat. While being told that, the other OB doctor was talking to me about giving me a c-section because of how much blood I had lost that they needed to get me into the OR as soon as possible. Between both of those conversations going on, I just kept saying "Okay, Okay, Okay" still in shock over everything. I had no thoughts. From there everything seems like a blur, I don't remember too much. I know they wheeled me down the hall, and I can remember them lifting me onto the operating table because it hurt so bad. I was shaking so much, and was freezing cold. I also remember them strapping my legs down to the table. They put a mask over me and kept telling me to breath it in and I felt like I couldn't breath at all, which I kept trying to say to them. That must have been when I fell asleep.

I woke up in the ICU, but everything is still a blur. I have seen pictures of me from when I woke up holding Eloise for the first time but I cannot actually remember it. That makes me incredibly sad. I'm happy to have those pictures, and to have been given the opportunity to hold her, I just wish I could remember it. What I do remember is the feeling of not having mobility in my left arm.

I had Joel post something in the photography group I am in on Favebook looking for someone that could come take pictures for us, as I didn't have a number for someone from "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep." I am so incredibly thankful to have these photos. Thank goodness someone (Amanda Jane Photogrsphy in Strongsville, OH) was awake. Those photos are the only photos I'm going to have of my baby girl. Some days they are really difficult to look at. Some days I can't look at anything else. I'm so happy to have them. And I'm so happy to have had the chance to hold my beautiful girl.

I wish I could see how she would grow. To see who she would look like. She had more hair than I did when I was born. Ellie had huge feet and very long toes, which she got from me. I kept rubbing them as I was holding her. Her fingers were long, too. Her skin was so so soft and kissable. And I'm so obsessed with her little nose that she got from Joel. While looking at pictures of her today, I think she got my earlobes. 

Here are just a few of my favorite photos of Eloise Rose 💗 Again, a HUGE thank you to Amanda of Amanda Jane Photography for these special photos. 

The most kissable cheeks😘 🎀

Getting to see Joel hold our baby girl made my heart melt💝 Eloise is the first baby he has ever held, and it was so bitter sweet to see.

Her little flippers!👣 She would have been a swimmer like her daddy! 🏊🏻

Such soft hands, and all dressed up in her "coming home" outfit from Grandma 👗 So much fluff!

How It All Started

It's been 11 days.

I gave birth, and lost my baby girl 11 days ago. These are words I never thought I would say at the age of 26.

I'll never forget the day I took that pregnancy test. I was terrified. Joel had just moved back to Vegas, I was in Cleveland with the pups, and we were struggling financially with our student loan debt. How were we supposed to afford a baby right now?! Yes, we wanted a child, but in that very moment I was panicked. I also never imagined I would have to have that conversation with Joel over FaceTime. I dreamed of telling him in some crazy way. I was expecting him to be as scared as I was, but luckily I married an amazing man who calmed my nerves and reassured me that everything would be okay and he couldn't wait to have a child! Funny thing is, the night before we found out about our little one, he had a dream that we had a baby. His dream wasn't entirely correct considering he dreamed we had a baby boy named Oliver.

My pregnancy wasn't as hard as some women's. I was sick in the first trimester, but I know it could have been worse. I ended up losing weight, which some women would be happy with, but I was worried. A couple weeks into the second trimester the morning sickness wore off, and I could finally eat again. Every time I went to the doctor, my weight was still slightly below average, but my belly size was always right on track.

At my 32 week appointment (October 15, 2015) I weighed in with an 11 pound weight gain. Incredibly rare for me. I knew it was from all the swelling in my feet and lower legs. My doctors eyes widened when she saw that in my chart. She said I could only gain 2-3 pounds over the next two weeks and to stay off my feet as much as possible. She told me this could be the first sign of preeclampsia, but my blood pressure was good as always, and there was no protein in my urine. She told me that if I did in fact develop preeclampsia, we would induce early, with a goal of 36 weeks. I left the doctors office crying. I got in the brand new van we had just bought a month ago so I could bring Eloise with me to work (I'm a nanny for two little girls and pick the one up for school), called my mom and kept saying "I'm not ready for her yet, she needs to stay inside of me 8 more weeks, she needs to develop fully inside of me!!" Mom told me to get home, lay in bed with my feet up and try to relax, that I would be okay if I just took it easy. So I did. My swelling went down a little, but whenever I was on my feet again, they were huge. So Joel took over all the cooking and housework. I felt so bad. He was working his butt off at a new job, worrying about me and our little one, and taking care of everything around the house.

On Tuesday October 20, 2015 I decided to weigh myself at home to make sure I hadn't gained more weight. But I had. I gained an additional 5 pounds in 5 days. I told Joel and he wanted me to call and let my doctor know as soon as they were open in the morning. Same with my mom. So the next day (Wednesday) I call but my doctor wasn't in. The doctor on call decided I needed to come in to have my BP taken and to be weighed. They wanted me to go in on Thursday or Friday (preferably Thursday), but I needed to work so I made the appointment for Friday October 23. After work that day (Wednesday) mom had me stop at CVS to check my BP just to be safe. I didn't want to since I would be at the doc in a day and a half, but I did anyways. It was elevated. 144/97. Nothing crazy like some women with preeclampsia, but for me that was high. And I was scared. Mom came over that night while Joel and I had dinner because I was so upset and scared I would be delivering Eloise early. I mentioned I was having some pressure and lower back pain, but it wasn't bad. At our birthing class the weekend before they said we would feel the baby flip to heads down which I believe is what I felt on Monday, so when the pressure and back pain started I assumed it was because Eloise was getting ready to make her grand entrance.

But that's not what it was.