Las Vegas

Tomorrow I leave for my first trip since we lost Eloise.

And I'm stressed.

I consider Vegas a second home after living there for a few years. I used to ask Joel all the time to move back. After learning Eloise's due date (12/8/15) and knowing Joel didn't have any paid vacation until the following October, we planned to take a first trip as a family of 3 to visit our friends at the end of October 2016.

And now I'm going alone. With no baby.

While packing tonight, I've been trying to figure out how to pack my laptop and camera and all the accessories in the same bag, but I just don't have one. Until I thought about my diaper bag. The diaper bag I came across a few years ago while looking for a "pretty" camera bag to take to weddings. It has padded sections for lenses, a pocket for a laptop, and can be worn as a backpack, messenger bag, or shoulder bag. It was perfect. But it was pricey, so I didn't buy it.

Fast foreward to Summer 2015, I mentioned to my sister how I bookmarked a diaper bag that could do double duty. I looked for ways to save money on things for Eloise's room so I could one day buy that bag. Being the excited Auntie, she ended up buying it for us.

Two days before Eloise was born, I packed that diaper bag. I made sure to pack the outfit my mom got Ellie to wear home, the cutest blankets we had, and a couple other outfits for the Fresh 48 session I planned on doing myself.

I haven't unpacked it except for the "coming home" outfit that hangs in a shadow box my BIL made us for Christmas.

As I sit here packing, all I can think of is how this trip is supposed to be different. How I shouldn't be second guessing using this diaper bag. How big of a deal Eloise's first plane ride would be. How I should be documenting everything about it. How nervous I should be about if she'll sleep on the plane or cry and I would be embarrassed.

I am so incredibly excited to see everyone.

But this is already harder than I expected it to be.

Back to Work

     Today was my first day back to work. I have been off since Ellie was born because of how bad of condition I was in. And I’m still not 100% yet. I still have numbness from the csection. I still have physical pain with too much activity.

     But I was excited to see the girls again. Nervous, but excited. And they were very excited, too, which made me so happy. I was nervous because this would be the first time just me and them since the day Eloise died. The oldest was so very excited about getting a new “little sister.” We talked about Eloise every day and she would sing and read books to my belly. It was the sweetest thing ever. The youngest would walk around the house with a baby doll in her shirt and touch my belly and say “BABY!” I couldn’t wait to bring Eloise with me and for all 4 of us girls to have so much fun together! We talked about what we would do with Ellie in the summer time and how she would be able to go on walks with us, and play on the playground. We would all go to the castle and play in the field. We would all dress up and have a salon day. It was going to be amazing!

     Being with the girls again, I was able to keep busy and not get too emotional over everything. We talked about Eloise, and we read the “Eloise” books we got them at nap time, and Kayleigh got to hold Ellie Bear and snuggle with her before going to sleep. But after they were asleep, and I had cleaned up for the day, I sat and thought about all those things. And what I would be doing in that very moment had Eloise been here with us. Would she be napping, too? Would she be crying and waking the girls up because she was hungry? I so wish I could be experiencing the stress of getting two kids to sleep while one is crying. Parents have no idea how much you want that until you can’t ever have it again.

Even though I know what happened wasn’t my fault, I still feel like I let the girls down. I didn’t bring a baby with me today. We will still get to have fun, but it won’t be the same as what we planned. And I realize that they don't remember everything we had planned, but I do.

     I’m physically exhausted from today. But that one is a good one. I need to get up and moving again. But mentally, I’m drained. And I know I’m going to be this way for a long time. And that really sucks. 

Eloise' Nursery

I did it.

I went in the nursery.

I had been dreading going in to Ellie's nursery without her. She was supposed to be sleeping in that crib. We were supposed to be reading her the books in there. We were supposed to rock together in the chair. I was supposed to go overboard on her outfit and match the perfect bow to her shirt.

And now I can't.

I sat in there are cried.

I read her a book that I picked up last weekend for her called "Ellie." I found a little box from the hospital with her bracelets and hospital blanket, and little hats. 

I looked at all her clothes that I won't get to be able to dress her up in. So many dress or fun outfits. We even bought a fake leather jacket for next year for when she would be hanging out with my dad. I couldn't wait for her to "open" Christmas presents from my parents, knowing she got some adorable outfits (one that matches my cousin's daughter's outfit since they were going to be just a couple weeks apart).

We never got a chance to fully finish her room. The fabric for her curtains had just come in a week or two before she was born. We just started hanging her artwork and figuring out where to put frames for her newborn photos. We were still trying to figure out where all the toys would go. And I was getting all her Christmas outfits ready for the week of Christmas (this week). Her room was going to be so perfect for our little girl. Not overly girly, but just enough.

Now that I have gone in there, I'm hoping to finish her room still over the next few weeks. I want to see my vision fully finished. I want to read a story to her in there every night. I want to sit in there and talk to her. But not today. Today is now going to be "one of those days" where I just can't even make myself do anything. But that's OK. I am learning that I'm going to have many days like this. even 20 years from now.

When her nursery is all done I will share some photos of it :)

Factor V Leiden

     At my 6 week PP check up, my doctor ordered 5 different blood tests to see if there are any answers as to what happened hidden in my DNA. We had to wait 6 weeks because of all the blood transfusions I had to have. The tests she ran were CBC, ANA Panel Blood Scrn, Lupus Anticoag PL, Factor V Leiden/PCR, and MTHR. The Factor V (Factor Five) test was my biggest concern. She had brought it up at my 1 week PP appt. and I did some research on it when I got home. From what I read back then, I just had a feeling I would be testing positive for it. I had 4 of the 5 symptoms when I gave birth to Eloise (one being preeclampsia!).

     And the results?? POSITIVE FVL. Even though I had a feeling of a positive result, it still is incredibly upsetting and scary. Factor V Leiden is a blood clotting disorder that is genetic, yet no-one in my family has been diagnosed with it before me. My biggest concern now is my day to day life. I have so many unanswered question and have to go see a primary doctor about everything. Most people are put on blood thinners for this. That's terrifying to me. I have to learn about the warning signs that I may have a blood clot and be able to get to a doctor right away if I suspect I do.

     I had joined a Pre-Eclampsia survivors group on FB and asked there if anyone had been diagnosed with FVL and went on to have a healthy baby. One woman said she had FVL hetero (like me) and MTHR homo (which I'm still trying to figure out), and did have a healthy baby. Unfortunately because of the health risks involved, she couldn't enjoying her pregnancy. It was terrify that at any moment something could go wrong. She had to see her regular OB and a high risk OB every other week for the first 6 months, and then had bi-weekly appointments.

     Joel and I aren't ready to make any decision about growing our family just yet, but for me, doing research prepares me for when we will be there. I have to be fully informed about the risks to our potential children as well as to me. I cannot put myself at risk and leave Joel without his family which very well could have happened (I read my c-section report, but that's for another day)!

     For now, we have to just try to survive the holidays, and wait for my next appointment to learn more. 

December 8, 2015

     Yesterday (12/8/15) was Ellie's due date. I had been dreading it for weeks, knowing it's right between Thanksgiving and Christmas. How was I supposed to be thankful or excited about the holidays without my little one that I had spend the last year dreaming of these moments with. I found the week of Thanksgiving that the busier I was, the better I was. Going over my mom's house to get everything ready for the entire week leading up to Thanksgiving kept my mind busy and from going to bad places. After getting through Thanksgiving, I had a hard time wanting to do anything again. I have had to be careful as to what I did until I had my 6 week follow up with my doctor, so I was pretty much stuck to laying around the house or just walking around the mall, which doesn't help. I either see all the little kids or the little baby clothes when I go to the mall, or lay around the house sitting on Facebook which is flooded with pregnancy announcements, posts about people giving birth, or seeing newborn and family photos on all the photography groups I am in. Not. Fun.

     As we get closer to Christmas, I really have not wanted to decorate. To me there was just no point. But Joel did. And as hard as it is, I had to let it happen for him. Grieving differently than my husband has been challenging. I have had to accept that sometimes he needs me to let things like decorating for Christmas happen as if they would have if Ellie was here. Knowing how hard Ellie's due date was going to be, my mom still took of the two days she had set aside for when Ellie was to be born. I realize a due date is just an estimate, but there is still something about that day. I knew I would be having my daughter soon. I would finally see how the day I would go into labor would play out, a day I had been thinking of different scenarios would go. We would be getting the most amazing Christmas present we could have ever asked for. So as hard as it was, we decided to decorate for Christmas on Ellie's due date.

     We started the day a bit chaotic. I was supposed to pick mom up at the mechanic in the morning. I went to leave to get her and couldn't get into the garage with Joel having the one good garage door opener we have because the battery in the other one was dead. Luckily she dropped the car off at a place down the street from me and we started walking towards each other. Then we walked to AutoZone to get a new battery for the other remote, and finally walked back. By now we are so hungry, and decide to go out to breakfast at Yours Truly, my favorite. As we are driving we decide to go shopping at a couple stores out that way, and end up turning around to go to mom's house for coupons. After spending 30 minutes there looking through the coupons and letting the dogs out, we head to breakfast.

     We started shopping at Home Goods, one of my favorite stores. After about 1.5 hours of walking through the store we get to the kids section. Of course I found so many things I would have bought Ellie for Christmas next year. A little stool with an Elephant on it, a baby doll carriage, a stuffed Elephant, and lots of books. That was difficult. Kohl's next. We went in there for maybe one thing, and ended up walking almost the entire store. When we got to the Christmas section, the whole point of going in there for a Christmas tree skirt, I started crying. Seeing all the little girl ornaments for different events and milestones tore me apart. I want to buy those. I want to get a ballerina ornament if she is in dance classes. I want to get the school ornament for her first year in school. I want all of them. And I can't.

     When we finally got home, it was time to decorate. Thank god I had my mom there to help me. I would not have been able to do much without her. We started with the tree first. Joel came home from work when we were adding ornaments, and it was nice to have him home to decorate, too. We ordered some pizza, dad came over, and we all had dinner together. After dinner, mom and I went back to decorating, while Joel and Dad played some pool with the puppies running around. While talking to mom, we decided that from now on, as hard as the holidays will forever be, December 8th will be the day we decorate our house for the holidays. A day to keep Ellie's memory alive for us, her future siblings, and for others. A tradition to honor my sweet girl.

One Month

     Today marks one month since we had to say goodbye to our daughter. How is that even possible?! We should be counting down the last two weeks of pregnancy, not this. This last month has been the worst month of my life. Trying to accept this new reality that I am living is challenging. I should still have a nice big round belly. I should be finishing up her nursery. Joel should be reading her a bed time story at night.

I should be waking up to her wonderful kicks every morning. We should be playing her favorite song (by Led Zeppelin) while she would have a dance party in my belly. We should be wrapping her Christmas presents. I couldn't wait to build a relationship with her like the one I share with my mom. I couldn't wait to give our parents their first grandchild. I couldn't wait to give my grandma Lashley her 4th great grand baby, my grandma yahraus her first, and Joel's grandparents their first. I couldn't wait to take extended family pictures with 4 generation. My life is forever in a state of "we should be" instead of "we are." All the little things that most people take for granted, I won't ever get those moments. I don't get to deal with a crying child in the middle of the mall. I don't get to argue over what clothes she's going out in. I don't get to take her wedding dress shopping. I don't get to experience any of it. My life is so incomplete without her. Even while I was still carrying her, our house felt so much fuller, and warmer. Now it feels so empty. So cold. So quiet. Going anywhere and coming home to this house is awful.

     Yesterday we packed up the downstairs play room that we had put together. Man did that suck. We had already purchased her Christmas presents. One of my favorite things we bought her was a book called "On the Night You Were Born." I planned on reading that to her every year on her birthday. And I think I still will. But seeing how empty our house is without baby toys everywhere is sad. I remember thinking we didn't have enough room in our house for two dogs, a baby, and all the stuff that babies come with. But we moved and shuffled everything around. And it was all falling into place. Now, it's so empty. I still have yet to go into her nursery. The door stays closed. I looked at the last few pictures I had taken of the room the other day

 and I miss it. I was enjoying decorating that room so much and making it the most perfect space for our perfect little lady. I want to go in there, but I'm scared. Scared of what, I don't know. But the thought of going in there is terrifying.

     Packing up maternity clothes was pretty horrible as well. I loved watching my belly grow, knowing my girl was growing big and strong. I loved shopping for new clothes and getting the perfect outfit together for our maternity photo session. I loved how comfy all the clothes were. One of the last photos I have of Ellie before she was born is one of me trying on a shirt at Burlington for our photos.

I had been looking for weeks for the right red plaid shirt to go with Joel's black sweater. I was hoping there would be snow on the ground for the photos, even though I HATE winter. Getting dressed in the morning or looking in the mirror hurts my heart so much. This new body I am in, one that doesn't carry my child, is confusing. Maybe because my body took 8.5 months to grow, and in the matter of two hours it was small again, it's hard to grasp that my belly isn't a beach ball still? The only physical evidence I have of carrying Eloise is the scar from my c-section. I didn't get stretch marks, which most women would love, but not me. I want those physical reminds of how amazing the human body is, to be able to create and carry life. Maybe as my body continues to heal and the swelling goes down even more, some will appear. I hope.