Back to Work

     Today was my first day back to work. I have been off since Ellie was born because of how bad of condition I was in. And I’m still not 100% yet. I still have numbness from the csection. I still have physical pain with too much activity.

     But I was excited to see the girls again. Nervous, but excited. And they were very excited, too, which made me so happy. I was nervous because this would be the first time just me and them since the day Eloise died. The oldest was so very excited about getting a new “little sister.” We talked about Eloise every day and she would sing and read books to my belly. It was the sweetest thing ever. The youngest would walk around the house with a baby doll in her shirt and touch my belly and say “BABY!” I couldn’t wait to bring Eloise with me and for all 4 of us girls to have so much fun together! We talked about what we would do with Ellie in the summer time and how she would be able to go on walks with us, and play on the playground. We would all go to the castle and play in the field. We would all dress up and have a salon day. It was going to be amazing!

     Being with the girls again, I was able to keep busy and not get too emotional over everything. We talked about Eloise, and we read the “Eloise” books we got them at nap time, and Kayleigh got to hold Ellie Bear and snuggle with her before going to sleep. But after they were asleep, and I had cleaned up for the day, I sat and thought about all those things. And what I would be doing in that very moment had Eloise been here with us. Would she be napping, too? Would she be crying and waking the girls up because she was hungry? I so wish I could be experiencing the stress of getting two kids to sleep while one is crying. Parents have no idea how much you want that until you can’t ever have it again.

Even though I know what happened wasn’t my fault, I still feel like I let the girls down. I didn’t bring a baby with me today. We will still get to have fun, but it won’t be the same as what we planned. And I realize that they don't remember everything we had planned, but I do.

     I’m physically exhausted from today. But that one is a good one. I need to get up and moving again. But mentally, I’m drained. And I know I’m going to be this way for a long time. And that really sucks.