The Worst Day of My Life

The pressure that started Wednesday night grew stronger over the next few hours. I debated calling the doctor, but it was still manageable. I tried to go to bed, but kept getting up to go to the bathroom. By 11:15pm I knew something was wrong and the pain was no longer something I could deal with. I got incredibly hot and sat on the tile bathroom floor to try to help. While sitting there, I felt a pop and right after a gush of something, Never having given birth before, I thought maybe at worst my water broke and I was in labor. I felt to see what it was, and my hand was full of blood. I screamed for Joel who was asleep. I was crying saying I'm bleeding and needed something to try to stop it, and I wanted to call an ambulance. Thankfully Joel was able to keep his head on straight enough to know that he could get me to the hospital faster than waiting for an ambulance to get to us and then get us to a hospital. He got to Hillcrest in 15 minutes. By now it's just after midnight. October 22, 2015.

We rushed up to labor and delivery where I was put in a triage room. I was shaking so much and was so cold. The first OB Doctor came in while nurses tried to find Eloise's heartbeat. They couldn't. Another nurse kept asking if I was always this pale and I couldn't answer, so they asked Joel who of course was in shock over everything that was happening. He said sure I dont know she lives in Ohio. But my lips were almost white. The nurse that had been trying to find Ellie's heartbeat got an ultrasound machine. I told her we have always had trouble finding her heartbeat at regular checkups, that she was just a stubborn little girl like her momma. They found the placenta and told me it was right in front, which is why finding her heartbeat was difficult. I never knew that's where it was. They finally found baby girl, and after what seemed like forever, they once again said there was no heartbeat. While being told that, the other OB doctor was talking to me about giving me a c-section because of how much blood I had lost that they needed to get me into the OR as soon as possible. Between both of those conversations going on, I just kept saying "Okay, Okay, Okay" still in shock over everything. I had no thoughts. From there everything seems like a blur, I don't remember too much. I know they wheeled me down the hall, and I can remember them lifting me onto the operating table because it hurt so bad. I was shaking so much, and was freezing cold. I also remember them strapping my legs down to the table. They put a mask over me and kept telling me to breath it in and I felt like I couldn't breath at all, which I kept trying to say to them. That must have been when I fell asleep.

I woke up in the ICU, but everything is still a blur. I have seen pictures of me from when I woke up holding Eloise for the first time but I cannot actually remember it. That makes me incredibly sad. I'm happy to have those pictures, and to have been given the opportunity to hold her, I just wish I could remember it. What I do remember is the feeling of not having mobility in my left arm.

I had Joel post something in the photography group I am in on Favebook looking for someone that could come take pictures for us, as I didn't have a number for someone from "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep." I am so incredibly thankful to have these photos. Thank goodness someone (Amanda Jane Photogrsphy in Strongsville, OH) was awake. Those photos are the only photos I'm going to have of my baby girl. Some days they are really difficult to look at. Some days I can't look at anything else. I'm so happy to have them. And I'm so happy to have had the chance to hold my beautiful girl.

I wish I could see how she would grow. To see who she would look like. She had more hair than I did when I was born. Ellie had huge feet and very long toes, which she got from me. I kept rubbing them as I was holding her. Her fingers were long, too. Her skin was so so soft and kissable. And I'm so obsessed with her little nose that she got from Joel. While looking at pictures of her today, I think she got my earlobes. 

Here are just a few of my favorite photos of Eloise Rose 💗 Again, a HUGE thank you to Amanda of Amanda Jane Photography for these special photos. 

The most kissable cheeks😘 🎀

Getting to see Joel hold our baby girl made my heart melt💝 Eloise is the first baby he has ever held, and it was so bitter sweet to see.

Her little flippers!👣 She would have been a swimmer like her daddy! 🏊🏻

Such soft hands, and all dressed up in her "coming home" outfit from Grandma 👗 So much fluff!