A Sibling for Eloise

     Yesterday should have marked 36 weeks of pregnancy. I still get all the Babycenter and The Bump emails. Every time I check my mail box there is something baby related in there. On Monday it was Parents magazine, Family magazine, and sample box of formula, 4 cards from the Preeclampsia Foundation, and another sympathy card. Checking the mail is becoming a really sucky part of my day. Constant reminders that I don't have my baby girl in my arms. As if having all the baby stuff in the house isn't hard enough most days. There are times when I just want to get rid of it all or put it in storage. At the same time, having the toys everyone bought for her or we bought for her makes me happy to know we did have a beautiful little girl.

     The first time a second child was brought up to us was while I was in the ICU. The OB that delivered Eloise was going over the surgery and said that normally when someone is in as bad of a condition as I was, they are not able to save the uterus. Mine was. She also said that they made my incision low enough that should Joel and I decide to have more children, I will be able to have a vaginal birth.

     The thought of having another child is terrifying. I don't want to go through another pregnancy, only to lose another baby. I will be so scared of every little thing that I do or feel, that I won't get to enjoy my pregnancy. But mostly, I don't want people to forget about Ellie if we have a healthy second child. Everyone tells me that we won't every forget her. I'm not worried about that. She will forever be apart of me. I just don't want anyone else to forget her. I don't want people to tell me that our SECOND child will be our first child in their eyes. I want Eloise to fully be a part of our family, and for her younger siblings to know they have a big sister watching over them.

     If I decide to decorate for Christmas this year (which right now I just just have no desire), I want to get Ellie her own stocking. I plan on getting her an ornament for her first Christmas, her first birthday, and if she does become a big sister. I normally an going nuts waiting to play Christmas music by now. In my family you have to wait until the day after Thanksgiving to play Christmas music. I planned to have Christmas music playing when I would be in labor with El. Now, everything about the holiday's makes me want to crawl in bed. If/when we decide to have a second child, I think playing Christmas music should be played during that labor no matter what time of year it will be, so we have Eloise in the room with us.