Mom Guilt

The last month and a half have been filled with a lot of work, and lately I have felt like I haven't had enough time for Ellie. Not to say that I am not thinking of her, because she is all that fills my mind. Every second of every day. But between getting ready for wedding season (and now in the middle of it), and trying to build my business in other areas, take care of the puppies, and find time to spend with Joel, I'm feeling overwhelmed. I can't help but think that if Ellie were here, I wouldn't be shooting as many wedding this year. I wouldn't be worried about how to make time for her. And this mom guilt I am having is taking its toll on me.

Last week, all these emotions of feeling like a bad mom by not taking the time for Ellie and I came pouring out as I got ready for work. I went in her nursery to turn the music on for the puppies, and I just started crying. I sat in the rocker and squeezed Ellie Bear, trying to get myself together, but I just couldn't.

I miss her so much. More than words could ever describe.

This past weekend, Joel and I went with my parents to the Mardi Gras festival in Fairport. My mom said she wanted to go because it was something she would have taken Eloise to. And I was more than happy to go when she said that. While driving there we were talking about Joel's uncles. My mom though he only had one, as his other uncle had passed away and she has never heard anyone talk about him. And it hit me, that one day there will be people who don't know my sweet girl. That they will forget her. My heart hurt so much realizing this. I hope any children we may have in the future talk about their older sister with so much love and pride, and never let anyone forget her. I hope our parents ALWAYS tell people that they have 1 more grandchild than you can physically see. That Eloise is still included in our family count. But this only led me to think about what it will be like if there are more kids in our lives. Will I always feel like I'm not making enough time for Eloise? Will she always be the center of my thoughts?

Father's Day

To most, Father's Day is a fun day spending time as a family. For a family that has lost a baby, it's a very overwhelming day. A day with many emotions, but ya know, you're a guy and society tells us that you can't show your emotions. Having to watch my husband put on a brave face for the day, knowing the hurt he was feeling inside was painful. Knowing there was nothing I could do or say that was going to make him feel whole. I planned a kayaking trip for him, as that was something we talked about doing with Eloise. We wanted to keep the day about him and his little girl. And for the most part, we were able to have a good time. There were still moments of great grief that were hard to get through. Especially when you're not recognized as being a father. The following is for my husband, my best friend, and most importantly the guy who saved my life. Without him, I wouldn't be here today.

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To my Hero of a Husband-

I'm sorry Eloise couldn't be with us. I would do absolutely anything to change that.

I'm sorry that your fatherhood wasn't acknowledged by most. I hope you always remember that you are a father, and a damn good one at that!

I'm sorry that people put my needs and grief ahead of yours. You also lost a beautiful girl and deserve to have your needs tended to.

I'm sorry that the Cav's had to play on Father's Day and you not get to share the joy of winning a championship with her. I know how badly you wanted Ellie to experience this with you.

You are the greatest man I have ever met, and the most loving daddy to our baby girl. 

The Loneliest Vacation

As I sit here on my flight back to Cleveland after a long weekend in Vegas, all I can think about is Eloise. How all I wanted was to take her with me. How lonely this trip felt.

I wanted to buy her those stupid onesies about Vegas. I wanted to show her Mommy and Daddy's old apartment and the beautiful views we had. I wanted her to meet our friends and play with the girls I have been lucky enough to watch grow.

I haven't had a "bad day" like this one in awhile (ok, like week and a half). Not that other days are easy, but all I can feel is her absence. And crying on a plane, by myself, is not what I had in mind.

The last time Joel and I were in Vegas together was when we started telling people a baby was on the way. We drove out to the dry lake bed that we would take Achilles to, and took some photos to post on FB once we were ready.

And now I have no baby to take pictures of in that same dry lake bed. No baby to carry down the strip to see our favorite places. No baby to take to our old apartment. No baby to introduce to our friends and watch the kids play together.

I cannot wait to climb in bed, snuggle my Ellie Bear, and be in Eloise's home.

Las Vegas

Tomorrow I leave for my first trip since we lost Eloise.

And I'm stressed.

I consider Vegas a second home after living there for a few years. I used to ask Joel all the time to move back. After learning Eloise's due date (12/8/15) and knowing Joel didn't have any paid vacation until the following October, we planned to take a first trip as a family of 3 to visit our friends at the end of October 2016.

And now I'm going alone. With no baby.

While packing tonight, I've been trying to figure out how to pack my laptop and camera and all the accessories in the same bag, but I just don't have one. Until I thought about my diaper bag. The diaper bag I came across a few years ago while looking for a "pretty" camera bag to take to weddings. It has padded sections for lenses, a pocket for a laptop, and can be worn as a backpack, messenger bag, or shoulder bag. It was perfect. But it was pricey, so I didn't buy it.

Fast foreward to Summer 2015, I mentioned to my sister how I bookmarked a diaper bag that could do double duty. I looked for ways to save money on things for Eloise's room so I could one day buy that bag. Being the excited Auntie, she ended up buying it for us.

Two days before Eloise was born, I packed that diaper bag. I made sure to pack the outfit my mom got Ellie to wear home, the cutest blankets we had, and a couple other outfits for the Fresh 48 session I planned on doing myself.

I haven't unpacked it except for the "coming home" outfit that hangs in a shadow box my BIL made us for Christmas.

As I sit here packing, all I can think of is how this trip is supposed to be different. How I shouldn't be second guessing using this diaper bag. How big of a deal Eloise's first plane ride would be. How I should be documenting everything about it. How nervous I should be about if she'll sleep on the plane or cry and I would be embarrassed.

I am so incredibly excited to see everyone.

But this is already harder than I expected it to be.

Ellie's 6 Month Birthday

Six months ago today, we said hello and goodbye to our daughter. Six months ago, something I never thought would happen, did. Six months ago, I almost died along with Eloise. Someday's, I wish I would have. Because living this new life is a daily torture of wondering how my life would be different with Ellie. Every single day, I'm faced with moments of "what would our life with Ellie look like right now"

When I come home and the dogs are going crazy because we have been at work all day, would they still be focused on me being home, or would they be all over Ellie? What cute face would she make when her daddy got home? Would she have her daddy wrapped around her finger like I suspected he would be?

What would Eloise look like today? Would her hair be growing long and fast? Would her eyes be blue like mine or would they have changed to hazel like her daddy's?

What would our night time routine look like? Would she enjoy bath time? Would she be a good sleeper like I was? Or never sleep like my sister?

Would we be buying her a playground? Who's house would we put it at? We have a small back yard, would it fit? Maybe putting it at my parents house would be better?

Would we be getting a city pool pass to take her swimming this summer? Would she be a little fish like her daddy? Lord knows her big ol feet were great for swimming!

Celebrating her half birthday today was both nice and incredibly hard. Most of the morning I spent crying. Mom picked me up to go out to lunch with my grandparents, and go shopping for Joel's birthday (which turned in to shopping for us and Ellie). Then for dinner we went to the Melting Pot because I know my girl would have had my sweet tooth! We originally planned on going to see Disney's Zootopia after dinner but dinner took too long. It was so nice to have a relaxing dinner after how stressful the last two weeks have been. Tomorrow will be just fine for our movie <3

April 16, 2015

One year ago today, almost to the hour, I learned I was going to be a mom. It wasn't completely unexpected, as just a few months before this, we decided we were ready to start a family. Me being the Type A person I am, worked on a plan to get some student debt paid off first. We had talked about how it may take awhile to have a baby, not knowing that I was already pregnant! Joel moved back to Vegas for work the day before Easter, and I stayed here.

That positive pregnancy test brought so many different emotions. I was excited, but not as much as I always dreamed I would be. I was more scared than anything else. And sad. Sad because my husband was on the other side of the country and I would have to tell him this big news over FaceTime. Who wants to tell their husband he's going to be a dad over FaceTime?! We both had our suspicions that there was a little peanut growing one day before he left because I said my favorite foods had been tasting horrible. But with us just making the decision to have a baby I didn't think I was.

Joel was so excited. More excited than I was expecting with our current living situation. His excitement helped me relax and not worry about everything. My excitement grew and grew. We couldn't wait to tell our friends and family, but we wanted to confirm the pregnancy with a doctor first. We then would tell all the soon to be grandparents on Mother's Day.

The past couple of weeks have been getting harder and harder as we got closer to today and next Friday, her 6 month birthday. 6 whole months without my girl. 6 months of memories that she should be a part of. 6 months of milestones. What one's would she be hitting now? I didn't want to accept that we have reached half of a year since she left us.

While working in our backyard today, a package was delivered. Of all days for this package to come, today was a perfect day. I had just ordered a few things, but nothing that would have come this quickly, or was this large. There was no name on the box to tell us who sent it. I immediately started crying when I opened the box. Our second family in Vegas sent us the most beautiful hand painted portrait of Eloise in a gold frame. Of course we had to FaceTime with them to thank them! We just put a shelf up in the dinning room that I knew was the perfect place for this! Shannon, Troy, Mackenzie, Kayleigh, and Abigail- THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! Your timing could not have been more perfect & needed! I can't wait to see you all (and Diane & Nanhi) in a couple weeks!!!

Little Moments

This past week I have had several moments where the "what if"are all I can think about. These happen often, but this week has been especially tough.

This week was the first time Joel was traveling for work since Eloise was born. When we lived in Vegas, he traveled all the time. It sucked, but I got used to it. Once we found out about our little peanut I was so happy he wasn't in a job with a lot of travel. It would be hard on us, but so much harder on him to miss out on those moments with Ellie. With him gone for 3 days this week, all I could think about was what those 3 days would have looked like. Just Me, Ellie, and two crazy puppies. Would I be stressed out and crying for Joel to be coming home? Would my mom be over helping me out (I bet yes)? Would anything actually get done around the house (I bet no, because honestly who would chose cleaning over sweet baby snuggles?!)? The entire time he was gone, every little thing I did, all I could think about was how this would look if Eloise were here.

Along with Joel being gone this week, both girls were sick. As much as I hate seeing them sick, I sure love those snuggles. And while snuggling and watching The Magic School Bus (YES THIS IS ON NETFLIX!!!!!!!), all I could think about was what sick days with Eloise would look like. Those sweet snuggles, the boogers, the crying. I want it all. So. Bad. I could see the puppies worrying about her. I could see Kayleigh wanting to help take care of her and making sure she got lots of check ups. I wish I could see them with her.

I've also had three puppies running around every Friday and today I couldn't stop thinking about what a Friday with 3 puppies and a newborn would be like. They are all so crazy when they get together and I absolutely love the chaos. They eventually settle down, but I so badly want know what our days would look like with her added into the craziness.

I also noticed that we have put 3800+ miles on the mini van already. We got it a month before Ellie was born, so there have been roughly 3000 miles of driving without her. 3000 miles of places she should have been to. 3000 miles of singing in the car that should have been to her. 3000 miles that she should have been in her car seat while her puppy siblings gave her kisses and watched out the windows to make sure no "bad guys" got us.

Everything we do, everywhere we go, these thoughts always flood my mind. There are so many memories that I want her to be apart of. So many important moments to come that I want her to be apart of. Friends getting married, birthday parties, holidays, photo sessions, vacations to Disney and Vegas, everything.

Thoughts & nursery update

I have started writing several different posts over the last few weeks. When I get to actually being almost done, I change my mind and don't publish them. Hell I started this one several days ago. I can't tell you why. I started this as a way of sharing how hard life is without the child you spent 9 months dreaming of future memories of. To bring awareness to stillbirth. To make it known that I AM A MOTHER. I still parent my child. That there are other ways to parent a child other than what you assume. To educate myself & others as much as I can on preeclampsia.

But lately I am having a hard time being open. Lately it has been feeling like those first few weeks. All alone. Not wanting to be around anyone. I just want to lay in bed, snuggle my Ellie Bear, and not have to interact with anyone.

It's hard to have this side of my life, but also know that I need to go out and do my job, and engage in conversation with people. People that may or may not known my story. People that may see me smile, and think that everything is okay again. People that may see me in sweats and think that I am lazy. It's hard to want to have a conversation with someone who doesn't actually know the internal torture I am experiencing.


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Last week I finally had the chance to take pictures of Eloise's nursery. Her room used to be my office, so it was already painted a light purple. Originally I wanted to do a gender neutral room because I wanted to wait until she was born to find out if we were having a girl or a boy. Joel couldn't wait that long. So we compromised and I got my big surprise at the baby shower. I'll share those another time!
Her room is the only one in the house that is completely finished and beautiful. It's almost exactly what I pictured, other than her not being in that crib. I love going in there and rocking with Ellie Bear. I love seeing Achilles and Athena in there. I dreamed of Ellie taking naps with the puppies laying next to the crib. All my babies in one beautiful place.

I couldn't wait to rock her while these two played there.

I was going to hang a big metal or canvas print from her newborn session above her crib.

Once some medical bills are paid off I will.

So cute!

Protecting her crib <3

And old dresser we (my mom) repainted and it came out perfect.

I bought these books just last week. I still pick up little presents for her. And I knew Joel would absolutely love this one.

Her elephant bank from Aunty Charlene, music, and some flowers in a mason jar :)

A book my parents got us from Ellie for Christmas

A book I got Ellie for Christmas

More of her books with sweet messages in them for her.

forever and ever.

(yes, I realize the price tag is still on the frames to the left)

Ellie's great grandma made this pillow for her uncle, and it's now Ellie's <3

A few toys, her poppy, and Price pillow :)

I looooove these curtain tiebacks I found. And those teeny diapers!

I couldn't find any curtains that I likes so my mom and I found fabric that she used to make curtains

Our little corner. I bought that small lamp in college and it was perfect when I found cradle glass knobs for the dresser (that we still need to put on), and the crackle glass curtain rods (that I still need to add lace curtains to).

My favorite song to listen to on family road trips or just at my parents house was "Jerusalem" by Dan Bern and one of the lines is "I like Olives, I like you too" so when I saw this on Easy, it had to be purchased!

A few of her stuffed animals. Joel and I had been at Target looking for rugs for her room and I walked away to look at something. When I came back that pink fox had somehow made it's way into the cart. We still don't know how it got there... ;)

Just a week and a half before she was born, we had been at our college for Homecoming weekend and picked up a TON of stuff for her, McCaw being one of them!

The shelf her stuffed animals sits on was going to be a little seat when she got bigger. I was going to make a foam pad to put on the top of it so she had a little seat to put shoes on, and hang her coats <3

And there it is. Her perfect, beautiful room. 

3 Months

     Yesterday was Eloise's 3 month birthday. The more I say that, the more confusing it is. If everything had gone to plan, she would have been born in December. She'd only be a month and a half, roughly. Yet, here I am having to say she's 3 months old. It's was not an easy day whatsoever. I spent most of my day crying and snuggling my Ellie Bear, and pouring myself into work to keep my mind busy.

     What would she be like? Would she have my personality or Joel's? She got most of Joel's looks, so when I think about her, I assume she would have my attitude. I think that when she would have been a teenager, her and I would bump heads because of being so much alike. I so want to have those hard moments of parenting a teenage girl. I never thought about how much I would want that until losing her. I was scared to go through those years while I was still pregnant with her. Now, even the hardest of times we could have possibly had with her, I would give anything to have.

I think of all of these things every day, but even more on big days like this one. When the girls I nanny go down for their naps and I am sitting alone I woke on photography stuff to keep my mind busy. But even on Eloise's 3 month birthday I struggled. 

Yesterday I also started packing up the breast milk I pump to send it off to the milk bank. I haven't pumped since November, but I just wasn't ready to send it yet. Something about shipping off what was supposed to be Eloise's food made me really sad. It was just another part of her that I was losing. Even though I had planned on donating it from the minute I couldn't give it to Eloise, keeping it in my freezer made me feel like she was still around. I am now coming to a place where I know how much good this will do. Because I was on blood pressure medicine during the time I was pumping, unfortunately it will not be going to other children in need. However, it will be going towards research so I am happy to know that somehow children will benefit from it.

I shared this photo on my Facebook page on Ellie's 3 month birthday, and it was more painful than I expected, but something in me felt the need to do it. I read so many posts in my bereaved mothers groups about people having problems with friends and family accepting the fact that they are grieving something bigger than you could ever imagine. They don't have a support system. Their friends and family tell them to get over it and move on. I feel so badly for them. I am very lucky to have a good support system for the most part. By sharing that photo I hope people I know will see just a portion of the pain we (all bereaved parents) are experiencing for the rest of our lives. It will be a never ending journey or grieving and learning how to live without a huge piece of your heart. It doesn't matter if that baby was lost early on, or after the child was born. As baby is a baby.

Going through Eloise's "fresh 48" photos as I have started to referring to them has been so good to be able to see her and remember she beautiful face. I can't wait to have them on display in our home 💗

   

Back to Work

     Today was my first day back to work. I have been off since Ellie was born because of how bad of condition I was in. And I’m still not 100% yet. I still have numbness from the csection. I still have physical pain with too much activity.

     But I was excited to see the girls again. Nervous, but excited. And they were very excited, too, which made me so happy. I was nervous because this would be the first time just me and them since the day Eloise died. The oldest was so very excited about getting a new “little sister.” We talked about Eloise every day and she would sing and read books to my belly. It was the sweetest thing ever. The youngest would walk around the house with a baby doll in her shirt and touch my belly and say “BABY!” I couldn’t wait to bring Eloise with me and for all 4 of us girls to have so much fun together! We talked about what we would do with Ellie in the summer time and how she would be able to go on walks with us, and play on the playground. We would all go to the castle and play in the field. We would all dress up and have a salon day. It was going to be amazing!

     Being with the girls again, I was able to keep busy and not get too emotional over everything. We talked about Eloise, and we read the “Eloise” books we got them at nap time, and Kayleigh got to hold Ellie Bear and snuggle with her before going to sleep. But after they were asleep, and I had cleaned up for the day, I sat and thought about all those things. And what I would be doing in that very moment had Eloise been here with us. Would she be napping, too? Would she be crying and waking the girls up because she was hungry? I so wish I could be experiencing the stress of getting two kids to sleep while one is crying. Parents have no idea how much you want that until you can’t ever have it again.

Even though I know what happened wasn’t my fault, I still feel like I let the girls down. I didn’t bring a baby with me today. We will still get to have fun, but it won’t be the same as what we planned. And I realize that they don't remember everything we had planned, but I do.

     I’m physically exhausted from today. But that one is a good one. I need to get up and moving again. But mentally, I’m drained. And I know I’m going to be this way for a long time. And that really sucks.