The last month and a half have been filled with a lot of work, and lately I have felt like I haven't had enough time for Ellie. Not to say that I am not thinking of her, because she is all that fills my mind. Every second of every day. But between getting ready for wedding season (and now in the middle of it), and trying to build my business in other areas, take care of the puppies, and find time to spend with Joel, I'm feeling overwhelmed. I can't help but think that if Ellie were here, I wouldn't be shooting as many wedding this year. I wouldn't be worried about how to make time for her. And this mom guilt I am having is taking its toll on me.
Last week, all these emotions of feeling like a bad mom by not taking the time for Ellie and I came pouring out as I got ready for work. I went in her nursery to turn the music on for the puppies, and I just started crying. I sat in the rocker and squeezed Ellie Bear, trying to get myself together, but I just couldn't.
I miss her so much. More than words could ever describe.
This past weekend, Joel and I went with my parents to the Mardi Gras festival in Fairport. My mom said she wanted to go because it was something she would have taken Eloise to. And I was more than happy to go when she said that. While driving there we were talking about Joel's uncles. My mom though he only had one, as his other uncle had passed away and she has never heard anyone talk about him. And it hit me, that one day there will be people who don't know my sweet girl. That they will forget her. My heart hurt so much realizing this. I hope any children we may have in the future talk about their older sister with so much love and pride, and never let anyone forget her. I hope our parents ALWAYS tell people that they have 1 more grandchild than you can physically see. That Eloise is still included in our family count. But this only led me to think about what it will be like if there are more kids in our lives. Will I always feel like I'm not making enough time for Eloise? Will she always be the center of my thoughts?
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