How It All Started

It's been 11 days.

I gave birth, and lost my baby girl 11 days ago. These are words I never thought I would say at the age of 26.

I'll never forget the day I took that pregnancy test. I was terrified. Joel had just moved back to Vegas, I was in Cleveland with the pups, and we were struggling financially with our student loan debt. How were we supposed to afford a baby right now?! Yes, we wanted a child, but in that very moment I was panicked. I also never imagined I would have to have that conversation with Joel over FaceTime. I dreamed of telling him in some crazy way. I was expecting him to be as scared as I was, but luckily I married an amazing man who calmed my nerves and reassured me that everything would be okay and he couldn't wait to have a child! Funny thing is, the night before we found out about our little one, he had a dream that we had a baby. His dream wasn't entirely correct considering he dreamed we had a baby boy named Oliver.

My pregnancy wasn't as hard as some women's. I was sick in the first trimester, but I know it could have been worse. I ended up losing weight, which some women would be happy with, but I was worried. A couple weeks into the second trimester the morning sickness wore off, and I could finally eat again. Every time I went to the doctor, my weight was still slightly below average, but my belly size was always right on track.

At my 32 week appointment (October 15, 2015) I weighed in with an 11 pound weight gain. Incredibly rare for me. I knew it was from all the swelling in my feet and lower legs. My doctors eyes widened when she saw that in my chart. She said I could only gain 2-3 pounds over the next two weeks and to stay off my feet as much as possible. She told me this could be the first sign of preeclampsia, but my blood pressure was good as always, and there was no protein in my urine. She told me that if I did in fact develop preeclampsia, we would induce early, with a goal of 36 weeks. I left the doctors office crying. I got in the brand new van we had just bought a month ago so I could bring Eloise with me to work (I'm a nanny for two little girls and pick the one up for school), called my mom and kept saying "I'm not ready for her yet, she needs to stay inside of me 8 more weeks, she needs to develop fully inside of me!!" Mom told me to get home, lay in bed with my feet up and try to relax, that I would be okay if I just took it easy. So I did. My swelling went down a little, but whenever I was on my feet again, they were huge. So Joel took over all the cooking and housework. I felt so bad. He was working his butt off at a new job, worrying about me and our little one, and taking care of everything around the house.

On Tuesday October 20, 2015 I decided to weigh myself at home to make sure I hadn't gained more weight. But I had. I gained an additional 5 pounds in 5 days. I told Joel and he wanted me to call and let my doctor know as soon as they were open in the morning. Same with my mom. So the next day (Wednesday) I call but my doctor wasn't in. The doctor on call decided I needed to come in to have my BP taken and to be weighed. They wanted me to go in on Thursday or Friday (preferably Thursday), but I needed to work so I made the appointment for Friday October 23. After work that day (Wednesday) mom had me stop at CVS to check my BP just to be safe. I didn't want to since I would be at the doc in a day and a half, but I did anyways. It was elevated. 144/97. Nothing crazy like some women with preeclampsia, but for me that was high. And I was scared. Mom came over that night while Joel and I had dinner because I was so upset and scared I would be delivering Eloise early. I mentioned I was having some pressure and lower back pain, but it wasn't bad. At our birthing class the weekend before they said we would feel the baby flip to heads down which I believe is what I felt on Monday, so when the pressure and back pain started I assumed it was because Eloise was getting ready to make her grand entrance.

But that's not what it was.