Little Moments

This past week I have had several moments where the "what if"are all I can think about. These happen often, but this week has been especially tough.

This week was the first time Joel was traveling for work since Eloise was born. When we lived in Vegas, he traveled all the time. It sucked, but I got used to it. Once we found out about our little peanut I was so happy he wasn't in a job with a lot of travel. It would be hard on us, but so much harder on him to miss out on those moments with Ellie. With him gone for 3 days this week, all I could think about was what those 3 days would have looked like. Just Me, Ellie, and two crazy puppies. Would I be stressed out and crying for Joel to be coming home? Would my mom be over helping me out (I bet yes)? Would anything actually get done around the house (I bet no, because honestly who would chose cleaning over sweet baby snuggles?!)? The entire time he was gone, every little thing I did, all I could think about was how this would look if Eloise were here.

Along with Joel being gone this week, both girls were sick. As much as I hate seeing them sick, I sure love those snuggles. And while snuggling and watching The Magic School Bus (YES THIS IS ON NETFLIX!!!!!!!), all I could think about was what sick days with Eloise would look like. Those sweet snuggles, the boogers, the crying. I want it all. So. Bad. I could see the puppies worrying about her. I could see Kayleigh wanting to help take care of her and making sure she got lots of check ups. I wish I could see them with her.

I've also had three puppies running around every Friday and today I couldn't stop thinking about what a Friday with 3 puppies and a newborn would be like. They are all so crazy when they get together and I absolutely love the chaos. They eventually settle down, but I so badly want know what our days would look like with her added into the craziness.

I also noticed that we have put 3800+ miles on the mini van already. We got it a month before Ellie was born, so there have been roughly 3000 miles of driving without her. 3000 miles of places she should have been to. 3000 miles of singing in the car that should have been to her. 3000 miles that she should have been in her car seat while her puppy siblings gave her kisses and watched out the windows to make sure no "bad guys" got us.

Everything we do, everywhere we go, these thoughts always flood my mind. There are so many memories that I want her to be apart of. So many important moments to come that I want her to be apart of. Friends getting married, birthday parties, holidays, photo sessions, vacations to Disney and Vegas, everything.

Thoughts & nursery update

I have started writing several different posts over the last few weeks. When I get to actually being almost done, I change my mind and don't publish them. Hell I started this one several days ago. I can't tell you why. I started this as a way of sharing how hard life is without the child you spent 9 months dreaming of future memories of. To bring awareness to stillbirth. To make it known that I AM A MOTHER. I still parent my child. That there are other ways to parent a child other than what you assume. To educate myself & others as much as I can on preeclampsia.

But lately I am having a hard time being open. Lately it has been feeling like those first few weeks. All alone. Not wanting to be around anyone. I just want to lay in bed, snuggle my Ellie Bear, and not have to interact with anyone.

It's hard to have this side of my life, but also know that I need to go out and do my job, and engage in conversation with people. People that may or may not known my story. People that may see me smile, and think that everything is okay again. People that may see me in sweats and think that I am lazy. It's hard to want to have a conversation with someone who doesn't actually know the internal torture I am experiencing.


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Last week I finally had the chance to take pictures of Eloise's nursery. Her room used to be my office, so it was already painted a light purple. Originally I wanted to do a gender neutral room because I wanted to wait until she was born to find out if we were having a girl or a boy. Joel couldn't wait that long. So we compromised and I got my big surprise at the baby shower. I'll share those another time!
Her room is the only one in the house that is completely finished and beautiful. It's almost exactly what I pictured, other than her not being in that crib. I love going in there and rocking with Ellie Bear. I love seeing Achilles and Athena in there. I dreamed of Ellie taking naps with the puppies laying next to the crib. All my babies in one beautiful place.

I couldn't wait to rock her while these two played there.

I was going to hang a big metal or canvas print from her newborn session above her crib.

Once some medical bills are paid off I will.

So cute!

Protecting her crib <3

And old dresser we (my mom) repainted and it came out perfect.

I bought these books just last week. I still pick up little presents for her. And I knew Joel would absolutely love this one.

Her elephant bank from Aunty Charlene, music, and some flowers in a mason jar :)

A book my parents got us from Ellie for Christmas

A book I got Ellie for Christmas

More of her books with sweet messages in them for her.

forever and ever.

(yes, I realize the price tag is still on the frames to the left)

Ellie's great grandma made this pillow for her uncle, and it's now Ellie's <3

A few toys, her poppy, and Price pillow :)

I looooove these curtain tiebacks I found. And those teeny diapers!

I couldn't find any curtains that I likes so my mom and I found fabric that she used to make curtains

Our little corner. I bought that small lamp in college and it was perfect when I found cradle glass knobs for the dresser (that we still need to put on), and the crackle glass curtain rods (that I still need to add lace curtains to).

My favorite song to listen to on family road trips or just at my parents house was "Jerusalem" by Dan Bern and one of the lines is "I like Olives, I like you too" so when I saw this on Easy, it had to be purchased!

A few of her stuffed animals. Joel and I had been at Target looking for rugs for her room and I walked away to look at something. When I came back that pink fox had somehow made it's way into the cart. We still don't know how it got there... ;)

Just a week and a half before she was born, we had been at our college for Homecoming weekend and picked up a TON of stuff for her, McCaw being one of them!

The shelf her stuffed animals sits on was going to be a little seat when she got bigger. I was going to make a foam pad to put on the top of it so she had a little seat to put shoes on, and hang her coats <3

And there it is. Her perfect, beautiful room.