3 Months

     Yesterday was Eloise's 3 month birthday. The more I say that, the more confusing it is. If everything had gone to plan, she would have been born in December. She'd only be a month and a half, roughly. Yet, here I am having to say she's 3 months old. It's was not an easy day whatsoever. I spent most of my day crying and snuggling my Ellie Bear, and pouring myself into work to keep my mind busy.

     What would she be like? Would she have my personality or Joel's? She got most of Joel's looks, so when I think about her, I assume she would have my attitude. I think that when she would have been a teenager, her and I would bump heads because of being so much alike. I so want to have those hard moments of parenting a teenage girl. I never thought about how much I would want that until losing her. I was scared to go through those years while I was still pregnant with her. Now, even the hardest of times we could have possibly had with her, I would give anything to have.

I think of all of these things every day, but even more on big days like this one. When the girls I nanny go down for their naps and I am sitting alone I woke on photography stuff to keep my mind busy. But even on Eloise's 3 month birthday I struggled. 

Yesterday I also started packing up the breast milk I pump to send it off to the milk bank. I haven't pumped since November, but I just wasn't ready to send it yet. Something about shipping off what was supposed to be Eloise's food made me really sad. It was just another part of her that I was losing. Even though I had planned on donating it from the minute I couldn't give it to Eloise, keeping it in my freezer made me feel like she was still around. I am now coming to a place where I know how much good this will do. Because I was on blood pressure medicine during the time I was pumping, unfortunately it will not be going to other children in need. However, it will be going towards research so I am happy to know that somehow children will benefit from it.

I shared this photo on my Facebook page on Ellie's 3 month birthday, and it was more painful than I expected, but something in me felt the need to do it. I read so many posts in my bereaved mothers groups about people having problems with friends and family accepting the fact that they are grieving something bigger than you could ever imagine. They don't have a support system. Their friends and family tell them to get over it and move on. I feel so badly for them. I am very lucky to have a good support system for the most part. By sharing that photo I hope people I know will see just a portion of the pain we (all bereaved parents) are experiencing for the rest of our lives. It will be a never ending journey or grieving and learning how to live without a huge piece of your heart. It doesn't matter if that baby was lost early on, or after the child was born. As baby is a baby.

Going through Eloise's "fresh 48" photos as I have started to referring to them has been so good to be able to see her and remember she beautiful face. I can't wait to have them on display in our home 💗

   

Back to Work

     Today was my first day back to work. I have been off since Ellie was born because of how bad of condition I was in. And I’m still not 100% yet. I still have numbness from the csection. I still have physical pain with too much activity.

     But I was excited to see the girls again. Nervous, but excited. And they were very excited, too, which made me so happy. I was nervous because this would be the first time just me and them since the day Eloise died. The oldest was so very excited about getting a new “little sister.” We talked about Eloise every day and she would sing and read books to my belly. It was the sweetest thing ever. The youngest would walk around the house with a baby doll in her shirt and touch my belly and say “BABY!” I couldn’t wait to bring Eloise with me and for all 4 of us girls to have so much fun together! We talked about what we would do with Ellie in the summer time and how she would be able to go on walks with us, and play on the playground. We would all go to the castle and play in the field. We would all dress up and have a salon day. It was going to be amazing!

     Being with the girls again, I was able to keep busy and not get too emotional over everything. We talked about Eloise, and we read the “Eloise” books we got them at nap time, and Kayleigh got to hold Ellie Bear and snuggle with her before going to sleep. But after they were asleep, and I had cleaned up for the day, I sat and thought about all those things. And what I would be doing in that very moment had Eloise been here with us. Would she be napping, too? Would she be crying and waking the girls up because she was hungry? I so wish I could be experiencing the stress of getting two kids to sleep while one is crying. Parents have no idea how much you want that until you can’t ever have it again.

Even though I know what happened wasn’t my fault, I still feel like I let the girls down. I didn’t bring a baby with me today. We will still get to have fun, but it won’t be the same as what we planned. And I realize that they don't remember everything we had planned, but I do.

     I’m physically exhausted from today. But that one is a good one. I need to get up and moving again. But mentally, I’m drained. And I know I’m going to be this way for a long time. And that really sucks.