The Path I Never Wanted

The past week has been full of anxiety, stress, and sadness. We knew this was our last shot to get pregnant before we were going to need to go through IVF. After a year of trying, countless doctors appointments, (almost) every fertility test that could be done on both Joel and I, and lots of pills, we were clinging to hope that this final IUI would work. This 4th IUI testing was the most positive results we had ever had. I somehow had grown 3 follicles (usually it’s only 1). Joel’s numbers were the highest we’d seen. My blood work also showed incredible results. There was no way we weren’t getting pregnant. Right?! Something good had to finally happen to us. Haven’t we been through enough?

Nope.

Negative.

Again.

To say we have been devastated is an understatement. I haven’t felt this low in a long time. I feel like a failure. I never expected us to struggle to get pregnant with how easily we got pregnant with Ellie. How could I be so naive after everything we had already been though.

On the recommendation from our RE (reproductive endocrinologist), we will have our IVF consultation in October. They gave us all the paperwork last month just to look it over- in case we needed it- but I didn’t look too much into it. Every ounce of me truly believed this would be our month- so why read it?! This week I finally went through it, called my insurance company, attempted to find a way to pay for it. But when an elective procedure costs $15,000 and insurance companies don’t care if you want to have a living child, it’s kind of impossible (for us) to do. Since starting to try for our second child, we bought a house and started a major renovation. Not to mention, all my student loans have gone up in interest rates. So to pile another bill on top of all these things is just not going to happen. Trying to come to terms with the fact that it will be a couple years before we can go through IVF is not easy. And as much as I hope I could get pregnant while we are saving for IVF, I'm not holding my breath. Yeah- it could happen. But why would it if it hasn't in the last 12 months with all the medication and doctors and constant monitoring.

And because I know that talking about child loss and infertility is not something that most want to hear about so they just tell you other ways to have a child, please read this article.

Losing a child and now going through infertility has turned me into someone I no longer recognize. It has made me so bitter. I cannot look at a pregnant woman without being angry and jealous that she has everything I want. I don't like feeling this way, but I can't help it. When I see people from my old life, the naive and innocent life that is long gone, experiencing pregnancy and acting as if nothing bad will happen to them, makes me feel like they believe this is all my fault. That their baby won't die because they are doing everything right and my baby died because I didn't. That I screwed up. And maybe had I known someone before Ellie's death that had experienced child loss I would be the same. That it's something that happens to other people- not me. That nothing bad could ever happen to my child. Yet here I am, watching people get pregnant so easily and buying everything they may need so early on, not even thinking about what could happen. That they could potentially be in our shoes one day.