As I sit here on my flight back to Cleveland after a long weekend in Vegas, all I can think about is Eloise. How all I wanted was to take her with me. How lonely this trip felt.
I wanted to buy her those stupid onesies about Vegas. I wanted to show her Mommy and Daddy's old apartment and the beautiful views we had. I wanted her to meet our friends and play with the girls I have been lucky enough to watch grow.
I haven't had a "bad day" like this one in awhile (ok, like week and a half). Not that other days are easy, but all I can feel is her absence. And crying on a plane, by myself, is not what I had in mind.
The last time Joel and I were in Vegas together was when we started telling people a baby was on the way. We drove out to the dry lake bed that we would take Achilles to, and took some photos to post on FB once we were ready.
And now I have no baby to take pictures of in that same dry lake bed. No baby to carry down the strip to see our favorite places. No baby to take to our old apartment. No baby to introduce to our friends and watch the kids play together.
I cannot wait to climb in bed, snuggle my Ellie Bear, and be in Eloise's home.
Monday, May 16, 2016
Wednesday, May 11, 2016
Las Vegas
Tomorrow I leave for my first trip since we lost Eloise.
And I'm stressed.
I consider Vegas a second home after living there for a few years. I used to ask Joel all the time to move back. After learning Eloise's due date (12/8/15) and knowing Joel didn't have any paid vacation until the following October, we planned to take a first trip as a family of 3 to visit our friends at the end of October 2016.
And now I'm going alone. With no baby.
While packing tonight, I've been trying to figure out how to pack my laptop and camera and all the accessories in the same bag, but I just don't have one. Until I thought about my diaper bag. The diaper bag I came across a few years ago while looking for a "pretty" camera bag to take to weddings. It has padded sections for lenses, a pocket for a laptop, and can be worn as a backpack, messenger bag, or shoulder bag. It was perfect. But it was pricey, so I didn't buy it.
Fast foreward to Summer 2015, I mentioned to my sister how I bookmarked a diaper bag that could do double duty. I looked for ways to save money on things for Eloise's room so I could one day buy that bag. Being the excited Auntie, she ended up buying it for us.
Two days before Eloise was born, I packed that diaper bag. I made sure to pack the outfit my mom got Ellie to wear home, the cutest blankets we had, and a couple other outfits for the Fresh 48 session I planned on doing myself.
I haven't unpacked it except for the "coming home" outfit that hangs in a shadow box my BIL made us for Christmas.
As I sit here packing, all I can think of is how this trip is supposed to be different. How I shouldn't be second guessing using this diaper bag. How big of a deal Eloise's first plane ride would be. How I should be documenting everything about it. How nervous I should be about if she'll sleep on the plane or cry and I would be embarrassed.
I am so incredibly excited to see everyone.
But this is already harder than I expected it to be.
And I'm stressed.
I consider Vegas a second home after living there for a few years. I used to ask Joel all the time to move back. After learning Eloise's due date (12/8/15) and knowing Joel didn't have any paid vacation until the following October, we planned to take a first trip as a family of 3 to visit our friends at the end of October 2016.
And now I'm going alone. With no baby.
While packing tonight, I've been trying to figure out how to pack my laptop and camera and all the accessories in the same bag, but I just don't have one. Until I thought about my diaper bag. The diaper bag I came across a few years ago while looking for a "pretty" camera bag to take to weddings. It has padded sections for lenses, a pocket for a laptop, and can be worn as a backpack, messenger bag, or shoulder bag. It was perfect. But it was pricey, so I didn't buy it.
Fast foreward to Summer 2015, I mentioned to my sister how I bookmarked a diaper bag that could do double duty. I looked for ways to save money on things for Eloise's room so I could one day buy that bag. Being the excited Auntie, she ended up buying it for us.
Two days before Eloise was born, I packed that diaper bag. I made sure to pack the outfit my mom got Ellie to wear home, the cutest blankets we had, and a couple other outfits for the Fresh 48 session I planned on doing myself.
I haven't unpacked it except for the "coming home" outfit that hangs in a shadow box my BIL made us for Christmas.
As I sit here packing, all I can think of is how this trip is supposed to be different. How I shouldn't be second guessing using this diaper bag. How big of a deal Eloise's first plane ride would be. How I should be documenting everything about it. How nervous I should be about if she'll sleep on the plane or cry and I would be embarrassed.
I am so incredibly excited to see everyone.
But this is already harder than I expected it to be.
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