Ellie's 6 Month Birthday

Six months ago today, we said hello and goodbye to our daughter. Six months ago, something I never thought would happen, did. Six months ago, I almost died along with Eloise. Someday's, I wish I would have. Because living this new life is a daily torture of wondering how my life would be different with Ellie. Every single day, I'm faced with moments of "what would our life with Ellie look like right now"

When I come home and the dogs are going crazy because we have been at work all day, would they still be focused on me being home, or would they be all over Ellie? What cute face would she make when her daddy got home? Would she have her daddy wrapped around her finger like I suspected he would be?

What would Eloise look like today? Would her hair be growing long and fast? Would her eyes be blue like mine or would they have changed to hazel like her daddy's?

What would our night time routine look like? Would she enjoy bath time? Would she be a good sleeper like I was? Or never sleep like my sister?

Would we be buying her a playground? Who's house would we put it at? We have a small back yard, would it fit? Maybe putting it at my parents house would be better?

Would we be getting a city pool pass to take her swimming this summer? Would she be a little fish like her daddy? Lord knows her big ol feet were great for swimming!

Celebrating her half birthday today was both nice and incredibly hard. Most of the morning I spent crying. Mom picked me up to go out to lunch with my grandparents, and go shopping for Joel's birthday (which turned in to shopping for us and Ellie). Then for dinner we went to the Melting Pot because I know my girl would have had my sweet tooth! We originally planned on going to see Disney's Zootopia after dinner but dinner took too long. It was so nice to have a relaxing dinner after how stressful the last two weeks have been. Tomorrow will be just fine for our movie <3

April 16, 2015

One year ago today, almost to the hour, I learned I was going to be a mom. It wasn't completely unexpected, as just a few months before this, we decided we were ready to start a family. Me being the Type A person I am, worked on a plan to get some student debt paid off first. We had talked about how it may take awhile to have a baby, not knowing that I was already pregnant! Joel moved back to Vegas for work the day before Easter, and I stayed here.

That positive pregnancy test brought so many different emotions. I was excited, but not as much as I always dreamed I would be. I was more scared than anything else. And sad. Sad because my husband was on the other side of the country and I would have to tell him this big news over FaceTime. Who wants to tell their husband he's going to be a dad over FaceTime?! We both had our suspicions that there was a little peanut growing one day before he left because I said my favorite foods had been tasting horrible. But with us just making the decision to have a baby I didn't think I was.

Joel was so excited. More excited than I was expecting with our current living situation. His excitement helped me relax and not worry about everything. My excitement grew and grew. We couldn't wait to tell our friends and family, but we wanted to confirm the pregnancy with a doctor first. We then would tell all the soon to be grandparents on Mother's Day.

The past couple of weeks have been getting harder and harder as we got closer to today and next Friday, her 6 month birthday. 6 whole months without my girl. 6 months of memories that she should be a part of. 6 months of milestones. What one's would she be hitting now? I didn't want to accept that we have reached half of a year since she left us.

While working in our backyard today, a package was delivered. Of all days for this package to come, today was a perfect day. I had just ordered a few things, but nothing that would have come this quickly, or was this large. There was no name on the box to tell us who sent it. I immediately started crying when I opened the box. Our second family in Vegas sent us the most beautiful hand painted portrait of Eloise in a gold frame. Of course we had to FaceTime with them to thank them! We just put a shelf up in the dinning room that I knew was the perfect place for this! Shannon, Troy, Mackenzie, Kayleigh, and Abigail- THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! Your timing could not have been more perfect & needed! I can't wait to see you all (and Diane & Nanhi) in a couple weeks!!!