IVF Update

    With scared, but hopeful hearts, we are finally ready to share that our second daughter, Adelaide Rae Price is due in late spring.

     It's been hard to want to share this news, as pregnancy after loss is a very scary experience filled with a lot of anxiety. Not only that, but after being so very open about going through IVF and then being disappointed by our viable embryo results, we needed something to be private and just for us to savor as long as possible.

     This pregnancy has had so many twists and turns and complications from the start. The day we left for Ellie's birthday trip to Vegas, we had an ultrasound at our IVF clinic where they saw a gestational sac, but no baby. In medical terms this is a blighted ovum. While our doctor told us it didn't mean miscarriage yet and that it could possibly be too early still, we were scared. It was one of the most difficult vacations to go on. Having to do daily intramuscular injections in my butt and blood thinner shots in my belly at midnight, while also believing this was going to end in miscarriage was so incredibly painful. I was bloated, terrified, and angry.

     Thankfully, when we got back from the trip, we had another ultrasound where we saw Addie for the first time, and saw that little flicker of a heartbeat. We both cried. A lot. Which very much confused the staff in the office until we explained we were just that happy.

     At our final IVF appointment, the day that is supposed to be exciting and happy, we learned I had a subchorionic hemorrhage. Basically it's a pool of blood between the placenta and uterus. They can get reabsorbed, or can cause miscarriage. Once again, we were on edge. It ended up reabsorbing, and things started to go "OK."

     On January 27th we had our anatomy scan, and all went well. We set up an appointment to see a pediatric cardiologist for a fetal echocardiogram due to the increase risk of heart defects with babies conceived via IVF. February 6 we learned that Addie does have a muscular ventricular septal defect. While these aren't cause for too much alarm - according to the doctor - we were still scared. This defect SHOULD in theory resolve itself before birth or soon after, however, there is always that chance it doesn't.

     We keep falling into these categories of complications in our journey to grow our family. 1 in 160 to experience stillbirth, 1 in 8 to go through infertility, preeclampsia, heart defect, etc. It's been exhausting to say the least. I'm angry, frustrated, and tired. This journey has truly tested our marriage. While losing Ellie has been insanely difficult, we are both experiencing the loss, whereas I'm the one going through all the IVF stuff. Being pumped full of hormones that your body doesn't normally produce (hence, infertile) was really hard mentally and physically. Joel couldn't relate even a little to it. I couldn't even workout to take out my stress. No one saw the pain and difficulty of IVF, just the smiles we would put on. I would get more angry when people questioned if I was pregnant (IVF meds make you bloated), or when we were going to do IVF. NEWS FLASH: DON'T BE THAT PERSON. You have absolutely no clue how painful it is, how invasive that is. We DID IVF. And we shared that part of the journey. We even said that we wouldn't be sharing anymore from there on out and people still didn't listen to that or respect it.

     While I'm sure we will have many people say "Congratulations," it's also VERY difficult to hear that. I didn't understand that when my loss mom friends would say that, but now that we are here, I completely do. It's a reminder of how far we still have to go, and all the things that can still go wrong. Know that we are so very excited to have Addie in our lives, but we are equally scared.

P.S.- HUGE GINORMOUS THANK YOU to Jessie at Jadie Foto! I love you so much, thank you for doing this on such short notice for our family!

IVF: It's Actually Happening!

It's actually happening! Like way sooner than we ever thought possible!

     I haven't shared too much on this, because I've honestly been waiting for the other shoe to drop. I haven't felt joy like this since being pregnant with Ellie. I wanted to protect myself, because that's what mode I have been in these last 4 years. But after watching the Brené Brown special on Netflix, I felt like it was time to acknowledge everything that has happened over the last month.

     We won the BabyQuest grant a little over a month ago now, and it's just not setting in. It took a month for that to happen. We spent the first two weeks in shock that we even won. There are hundreds of applicants each round, and it's a very involved application (13 pages actually). We tried to apply for this grant at the end of last year, but when I found out about the grant, it was really close to the deadline. I immediately messaged my doctor and told her about the grant, told her what day the deadline was, and asked if she would be able to complete the medical portion of the application on time. Her initial response was "more IVF grants are just scams." So then I contacted the woman I learned of the grant from to verify. I went back to my doctor and told her it was legit, and her next response was "with how many people apply for these types of grants, you probably won't win and will just lose out of the money you pay to apply." At this point I'm really frustrated, and have waisted a week of trying to get these papers to her. I email her back and say we still want to apply. Can you please fill out these papers and get them back to me in time? She finally agrees and I even print them out for her and hand deliver them. Another week goes by and I haven't heard from her and the application has to be mailed in. I call the doctors office and explain this all the the receptionist for my doctor doesn't know what I'm talking about so I ask her to leave a message for the doctor. A few days later, I read that there is an extension in the application deadline due to the fires going on in California. It's not a terribly long extension but I'm holding out hope that she'll get it back to me in time and I can overnight it. Well the extension deadline comes and goes, and the very next day I finally receive the papers back from my doctor. Talk about being angry. And to top it off, she filled it out wrong. All her part asked what why procedures I have done, what the results were, and if IVF was necessary. She said I hadn't done a specific procedure that has to be done before IVF, yet she's the one that performed it on me. I could have filled out most of the application just based on my medical records. I was angry to say the least. And I cried a whole bunch. When I was filling out our portion of the grant, there was a part that asks if we got a second opinion, and at that point we hadn't. Until this point, we loved out doctor. It was when we told her we couldn't afford IVF, she changed her attitude. That's when we called RGI in Akron.

     When we met with our new doctor, Dr. Nash, it was a little overwhelming. He's a fast mover, fast talker - not what we were used to. We go over our history with him and he starts ordering blood work and a hysteroscopy (something we had been putting off because of how expensive it was at Cleveland Clinic). One of my blood tests was for my thyroid. I had been on thyroid medication for almost two years at this point. It's within "normal" range, but for pregnancy, they prefer it to be much lower. Turns out, because the old doctor hadn't been doing regular blood tests to see if it was actually working, my dose needed to be increased. Another blood test (that my old doctor didn't do) showed my body produces more androgen hormones than it should. And finally, another blood test shows I have insulin resistance. All this to say, Dr. Nash diagnosed me with PCOS. Our old doctor left my diagnosis as unexplained rather than doing these extra tests. He also ran tests on Joel and between his results and mine, told us we had a 9% chance of getting pregnant on our own. That 9% isn't just this year, it isn't within 5 years, that's ever. Never mind the fact that egg quality and numbers go down every year. Dr. Nash even questioned WHY our old doctor even bothered having us doing 4 IUI's when they wouldn't increase our chances by much. Nothing like hearing that after you've spent $8500! We told Dr. Nash that it would be awhile before we could do IVF, if ever. He was understand, and also gave us places we would apply for financing. After having started on our Dave Ramsey debt pay off program, we did not want to finance anything else. We just couldn't handle any more debt.

    A few months later I get a notification from the BabyQuest Instagram (I turned their notifications on so I would find out right away!) and immediately contacted Dr. Nash's office. They got them back to me right away, and off that application went. I was really nervous sending it in, trying to remember that yes there are a TON of applicants that are all very worthy of this grant. When you've been grieving your daughter for 3.5 years, with very little joy in there, it's hard to think positive thoughts that you just might win it. But holy fuck we did. Some days its still hard to believe.

     These last 5 weeks have been overwhelming to say the least. We waited to announce that we won the grant because I was scared that for some reason, it would be taken away from me. We haven't told many people what our IVF schedule is, because I'm afraid it won't work and I will disappoint everyone. I'm afraid that if I feel too much joy, something bad will happen. Because that's just what my body knows. 2015 went from so much joy, to so much heartbreak and trauma. It's fucked with my ability to feel happiness. The ability to balance both joy and grief is so challenging for me, and a completely new experience. Joel has told me repeatedly on my many bad days, that I am worthy of a living baby. That it's okay to feel joyful about this.

     Today I took another big step in this IVF process... I bought some of my meds! It felt so surreal. Again, I truly need thought we'd be here. We've also got a network of other BabyQuest winners, and one of them has been able to donate one of her leftover medications to us! So amazing!

    And finally, while I don't have an exact start yet, from my own calculations we will be doing our egg retrieval mid to late June, with a frozen embryo transfer in mid to late July! We are not doing a fresh transfer because we will be doing genetic testing (assuming we get enough embryos to test!).

    So there you go. IVF is around the corner, and I'm a bag of emotions.

Mental Health after Infant Loss

I started writing this blog post back in June when I thought I would have more time and more mental ability to get my thoughts together about this specific topic. And then life, as usual, took over. But I'm currently sitting in a car for the next 4 or so hours on our way to Minnesota, so I thought I would take the time to work through this. You'll see a couple dated entries of how this post has gone...

June 20, 2018:
     It's been almost a year since my last post. In that year so much has happened, and I just haven't been in a place mentally or physically to sit down and write. I tried to write about Ellie's 2nd Birthday back in October, and couldn't. Then tried again in December. If there is one thing I have learned over the last 32 months is that the season between Ellie's birthday (October 22) through the new year is always the most difficult for me. But there was something about this time around that it was even harder.

     With the recent passing of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain, I think it's time to open up about just how bad this year was for me. Like I said, the season between Ellie's birthday and the new year is a rough season. This year, it seemed like every single day was a fight to stay alive. I didn't want to live. I would drive to work, hoping someone would hit me. Between the loss of my daughter, and the inability to conceive another child, it felt like the only things I have ever cared about were never going to happen. I spent any free time I had in bed just wishing to never wake up. I would put on an act and make it seem like I was fine as best I could.

Today, September 19, 2018:
     Here we are again, months later that I'm finally getting to work on this blog post again. This summer got away from me, and it's now fall and I'm mentally preparing myself for the rough season of Ellie birthday and the holidays. Joel and I were talking yesterday about how bad my depression was last year, and how it took its toll on him, too. To the point he would just drive somewhere to scream in his car to get his anger and frustration out, without taking it out on me. He knew it wasn't "me" saying and doing those things- it was the depression. Everyone thinks that child/infant loss is going to be the worst in the first few months/year, but it's a lifelong thing. It will change overtime, as I have already seen in the last almost 3 years, but I would never say it's gotten easier.
     Knowing that Ellie's birthday is coming up and that I struggle the most this time of year, I have been spending a lot of time thinking back to those early days/months after Ellie died. I went into survival mode. I pushed everyone that cared about me away. I needed to be alone. I needed to do research and look for others who had experienced this. I ignored all the texts and calls from friends and family. I spent my days looking up online support groups. I only wanted to talk to people who just got it. I hurt a lot of people doing this, but I was also was hurting, and I needed to put myself first.
     I am doing my best to not let my grief get as bad this year. I am prepared to call a therapist at the first sign of it getting as bad as it was last year. I never want to feel that bad again. I can't express enough how rough it was for me. And I had only ever told Joel about it until recently, when I opened up to a friend that I am working on repairing a relationship with after pushing her away 3 years ago. I hated waking up every morning and having to live a life without my daughter. I wanted to die so so badly. I wanted to run off the road into the cement walls. I wanted someone to hit me while driving. I wanted to die in my sleep somehow. I just didn't want to be here anymore. I never sought help from a therapist last year, and I do regret that. But the thought of spending money on a therapist also made me more upset because we were starting to save for IVF. There was a sense of relief when I finally opened up about these thoughts to Joel, though. It didn't make me "all better." I did, however, stop having so many of these thoughts slowly. I saw the pain on his face when I told him, and it reminded me that I can't leave him a bereaved dad as well as a widower at 30. I couldn't put my parents and in-laws through that. I couldn't have my mom join this "loss mom club" that I'm a part of. It was a struggle, but I finally started smiling again.
     So there it is. I'm laying it all out there. Because I know I'm not the only one going through this. And it helps me in turn. I'm sorry if my thoughts were a bit all over the place, but that's just how my brain is working as of late.

The Path I Never Wanted

The past week has been full of anxiety, stress, and sadness. We knew this was our last shot to get pregnant before we were going to need to go through IVF. After a year of trying, countless doctors appointments, (almost) every fertility test that could be done on both Joel and I, and lots of pills, we were clinging to hope that this final IUI would work. This 4th IUI testing was the most positive results we had ever had. I somehow had grown 3 follicles (usually it’s only 1). Joel’s numbers were the highest we’d seen. My blood work also showed incredible results. There was no way we weren’t getting pregnant. Right?! Something good had to finally happen to us. Haven’t we been through enough?

Nope.

Negative.

Again.

To say we have been devastated is an understatement. I haven’t felt this low in a long time. I feel like a failure. I never expected us to struggle to get pregnant with how easily we got pregnant with Ellie. How could I be so naive after everything we had already been though.

On the recommendation from our RE (reproductive endocrinologist), we will have our IVF consultation in October. They gave us all the paperwork last month just to look it over- in case we needed it- but I didn’t look too much into it. Every ounce of me truly believed this would be our month- so why read it?! This week I finally went through it, called my insurance company, attempted to find a way to pay for it. But when an elective procedure costs $15,000 and insurance companies don’t care if you want to have a living child, it’s kind of impossible (for us) to do. Since starting to try for our second child, we bought a house and started a major renovation. Not to mention, all my student loans have gone up in interest rates. So to pile another bill on top of all these things is just not going to happen. Trying to come to terms with the fact that it will be a couple years before we can go through IVF is not easy. And as much as I hope I could get pregnant while we are saving for IVF, I'm not holding my breath. Yeah- it could happen. But why would it if it hasn't in the last 12 months with all the medication and doctors and constant monitoring.

And because I know that talking about child loss and infertility is not something that most want to hear about so they just tell you other ways to have a child, please read this article.

Losing a child and now going through infertility has turned me into someone I no longer recognize. It has made me so bitter. I cannot look at a pregnant woman without being angry and jealous that she has everything I want. I don't like feeling this way, but I can't help it. When I see people from my old life, the naive and innocent life that is long gone, experiencing pregnancy and acting as if nothing bad will happen to them, makes me feel like they believe this is all my fault. That their baby won't die because they are doing everything right and my baby died because I didn't. That I screwed up. And maybe had I known someone before Ellie's death that had experienced child loss I would be the same. That it's something that happens to other people- not me. That nothing bad could ever happen to my child. Yet here I am, watching people get pregnant so easily and buying everything they may need so early on, not even thinking about what could happen. That they could potentially be in our shoes one day.

Infertility

     I have been extremely hesitant to talk about our journey to give Eloise a sibling publicly. In the first few months, while I was still in shock, I assumed we would eventually have another baby and it would be as easy as it was to get pregnant with Ellie. Because I had a c-section, I was told to wait 12-18 months to start trying again. This would allow my body enough time to heal and hopefully have a vbac.

     In August 2016 we decided we were as ready as we could ever be emotionally to start trying again. Making that decision was so difficult for me. I was (and honestly still am) afraid that if we have another baby, Eloise will be forgotten about. The thought of that happening is truly heartbreaking. I love her so much, and I need her to remain a major part of our lives. On some level, not having any more kids felt right just so I could keep this grief front and center in our lives and remind people of Ellie.

     After Ellie died, I can't tell you how many people told me "you're young and healthy, you'll have more kids!" It pissed me off back then, and it's even more hurtful now. First, to say that to someone who has lost a child, makes them feel as if they NEED to have another child. They don't. That is a personal decision they can make on their own. Second, that's incredibly disrespectful of the baby that died. It makes the fear of the child being forgotten even more apparent. Third, you don't know that someone is healthy. You don't know what is going on in their body. You don't know if they have struggled with infertility. Making thoughtless comments such as this to make YOURSELF feel more comfortable when talking to a loss parent makes them not want to be friends with you any more.

     After a few months of trying, and noticing my cycles getting longer and longer, I decided to call a fertility doctor just to get their opinion. I was so sure that because we got pregnant with Ellie so easily, we would be able to get pregnant again right away. Nope. Meeting with the first fertility doctor was nerve wracking. I was recommended to go to someone else, but because I have little patience, I made an appointment with the first available doctor. So after work one December night, we drove to Solon to meet him. I went over our history and talked about Eloise a little. He handed me a Rx for Clomid and said see you in 6 months if it doesn't work. To say I was pissed at that response was an understatement. I cannot stand doctors who just throw out a Rx without looking at what could be causing the problem to begin with. So to have someone do that in our fertility journey infuriated me. I filled the prescription and waiting for the 3rd day of my cycle to start it. It never did. After multiple negative pregnancy tests, I called the fertility doctor and he gave me another prescription to help start my cycle. Finally, after 73 days without a period, I could start the medication. After that I made the first available appointment with one of the recommended fertility doctors.

     We met with the new fertility Dr. (Austin) in February and both Joel and I immediately felt a sense of relief. She wanted (without me saying anything) to do blood work and see what could be causing us to not conceive. They found that my TSH (thyroid) was elevated, but still technically within "standard range." For pregnancy, it's recommended to have it on the lower end of that range, though. So I was prescribed a medication for that. They also saw that my body just wasn't even producing eggs, so my clomid was increased. I also have to do a "trigger shot" to help me ovulate. A trigger shot is an injection of hCG that helps release an egg from your ovary. I have to give this to myself (Joel refused- he didn't want to hurt me) on a specific day in my cycle at just the right time. To know when I need to give myself this shot, I have to go get follicle scans usually twice a month. A follicle scan is an internal ultrasound and it looks at your ovaries to see if any follicles (which hold eggs) are growing. Once they grow to a certain size, I have to give myself that shot in my stomach, so my body releases the egg. We also learned I have a pretty severe Vitamin D deficiency (Thanks, Ohio!). This low Vit. D can cause problems with fertility as well. So on a supplement I go.

 

( I know, fantastic outfit 😉)

     On top of all this, I started seeing an acupuncturist. So many loss mamas told me thy started seeing one and it helped a lot. So Joel and I figured, why not. It could only help. So every Wednesday after work, I go to group acupuncture. It's not my favorite, but it's "cheaper" than private sessions. I also started yoga (again from recommendations of other loss moms). They both give me some time to relax, which is something I desperately needed. I'm a high stress person to begin with, but going through all this definitely made it worse.

     After a couple cycles with no positive pregnancy test, we decided to have Joel go though some tests. To be considered "infertile," you normally have to be trying unsuccessfully for about a year. After getting Joel's test results back and after 8 months of trying, we got that label slapped on our medical records. Between me not ovulating, and Joel's morphology being so low, they told us we should start trying IUI (the step before IVF). That's scary. I knew if we got to IUI it would be expensive and that there was no guarantee it would work. Every month could be "wasted" money. Every IUI treatment is $500, and if we have to go though IVF it's over $12k. How are you supposed to go thought IUI and also save for IVF as a backup?! It's hard to stay hopeful and positive when the last 19 months of your life have been hell.

     In April we had our first IUI procedure. I didn't know what to expect from it. I wanted it to work so badly. When I went for my follicle scans they saw a few small ones, and 1 large one. Better than none, but I could hear the disappointment in their voices. Based on how the follicle was growing, I had to trigger on a Friday night, and then on Sunday morning we had to go in for the procedure. Joel had a bachelor party the night before, but we couldn't change the appointment. You go based on where your body is in a cycle. You drop your plans and you make it work. We had to wait 2 weeks to find out if it worked. Do you know how long 2 weeks is when you're waiting on something like this?! Because I'm a very impatient person, I decided to test 2 days early. Negative. A couple hours later, negative. That night, period. I was heart broken. We spent all that money (IUI isn't covered by insurance) and didn't get anything out of it. Another month of having the little bit of hope I could muster, destroyed.

     Because of the timing of everything, we won't be able to do IUI this month. We have a VERY NEEDED vacation planned during the time we should be doing IUI. IF (and thats a big IF) my body can get itself together and grow those little follicles faster, we may get to do it right before we leave. If not, I'll have to take the trigger with me on vacation. That means keeping my fertility diet going... on vacation. No alcohol, no coffee, and lots of healthy foods, and tons of supplements. But, because we want to give Eloise a sibling, we do what we have to.

     This whole process (both loss and infertility) has made me pretty bitter. I hate seeing pregnant women. I hate seeing the people who I once considered my friends, the people who abandoned us, pregnant and most likely bringing home a healthy child. It pisses me off that so many unfit people get to be parents to living children. The only people I actually want to be around any more are other loss moms. Going out and socializing has become a fear. Fear of people asking "do you have any kids?" and them talking about theirs. I hate going on Facebook and what seems like every other day is a pregnancy or birth announcement.

It's frustrating. It's heartbreaking. It's hell...

6 Months Later...

     So it's been about 6 months since I last posted. It was wedding season and the more I worked, the more I was able to feel in control- something I haven't felt since Eloise died. A lot has happened in those 6 months. We celebrated Eloise's 1st birthday, had to experience our second holiday season without her, and bought our house. To say it was difficult is a huge understatement. I feel as if I have been in a fog since October because of these things.

     To celebrate Ellie's birthday we decided to do family photos. Family photos are something we typically do around our anniversary in July, but in 2015 that changed. We planned on using our maternity photos as our family photos that year, but Eloise died a week before our appointment. This year it only felt right to do them on her actual birthday. The day before her birthday I felt horrible. My grief was becoming overwhelming, and felt like the early days of this journey. How was I supposed to celebrate my daughters first birthday without her even here. That's not how this is supposed to be. The party my mom had for her didn't even feel like her birthday party. I think I only had one conversation about Eloise. AT HER OWN PARTY. It was heartbreaking. The night was supposed to be about her. Not people getting drunk. Just because the child isn't physically present doesn't mean you don't treat the event like any other child's party. After all the terrible emotions of a terrible night I wasn't the most optimistic for her special day. Fortunately I didn't have to do much to get ready. I made an appointment to get my hair and makeup done because I just knew I would be a mess and wouldn't be able to get myself together. When we got to the park for photos I actually felt the best I had all week. Something about doing this special activity for Eloise. It was all about her. And luckily the photographer (Jackie @ Brittany Gidley Photography) is also a NICU nurse and has experience with family of child loss (Our biggest reason for choosing them!). And she was amazing. We love meeting people, or talking to people in general, who aren't afraid to speak Ellie's name and can have a conversation about her as if she were physically there with us. It was perfect. And our photos- stunning!

     The next challenge was the holiday season. I learned this year that I'm pretty much useless from October- January because of my grief. Again, last year I was still in a fog so this was new. I think the hardest part of the holidays was the fact that everyone had moved on. They didn't seem to understand how difficult it was for not only me, but Joel as well. As if we were expected to fall back into the normal holiday routine. We wish we could have skipped the holiday's all together. I think Joel and I have decided that this next year we actually will avoid them. Not matter what people say. Our mental health is so much more important. And I learned I need to speak up for myself more in those situations. Something that is very difficult for me, as I am a people pleaser.

The tree we helped decorate at the Toboggan Chalet

What grief looks like.

Daddy and Ellie Bear in Ellie's Room <3

My holiday grief coping mechanism. An ornament for all the babies who's mom's I follow on Instagram.

     We also bought a house- the one we have been living in the last 2 years. The home that FOUR generations of my family have lived in (Grandparents, Dad, Me, Eloise). The only home Eloise has ever known (my biggest motivation for buying it). While most people would be excited for this next step (and I am, don't get me wrong) it's also sad that I don't get to watch Eloise play in it. Her room has sat fully decorated for over a year now, and should have changed as she changes. But instead it is still ready for a newborn that will never sleep in there. We should be making family memories in that home with her. We should get to teach her to ride a bike in the driveway, play in the snow with her puppies, roast marshmallows over a fire. These little moments that I long to have in our first home with our child.

View from our backyard <3

     While I had hoped 2017 would be better for us than the last 15 months have been, the year has already started off rocky with health issues, medication, and stress. I hope people will understand that we are still experiencing a life of loss. Of longing for our 15 month old who should be here with us. We may seem to be better on the surface when we are out, but the crashing waves of grief are fierce and will show every now and then. We need people to be gentle with us still. It's not fair to treat us as though we should have moved on. Our lives will be forever incomplete with Eloise.

     Until next time...

Mom Guilt

The last month and a half have been filled with a lot of work, and lately I have felt like I haven't had enough time for Ellie. Not to say that I am not thinking of her, because she is all that fills my mind. Every second of every day. But between getting ready for wedding season (and now in the middle of it), and trying to build my business in other areas, take care of the puppies, and find time to spend with Joel, I'm feeling overwhelmed. I can't help but think that if Ellie were here, I wouldn't be shooting as many wedding this year. I wouldn't be worried about how to make time for her. And this mom guilt I am having is taking its toll on me.

Last week, all these emotions of feeling like a bad mom by not taking the time for Ellie and I came pouring out as I got ready for work. I went in her nursery to turn the music on for the puppies, and I just started crying. I sat in the rocker and squeezed Ellie Bear, trying to get myself together, but I just couldn't.

I miss her so much. More than words could ever describe.

This past weekend, Joel and I went with my parents to the Mardi Gras festival in Fairport. My mom said she wanted to go because it was something she would have taken Eloise to. And I was more than happy to go when she said that. While driving there we were talking about Joel's uncles. My mom though he only had one, as his other uncle had passed away and she has never heard anyone talk about him. And it hit me, that one day there will be people who don't know my sweet girl. That they will forget her. My heart hurt so much realizing this. I hope any children we may have in the future talk about their older sister with so much love and pride, and never let anyone forget her. I hope our parents ALWAYS tell people that they have 1 more grandchild than you can physically see. That Eloise is still included in our family count. But this only led me to think about what it will be like if there are more kids in our lives. Will I always feel like I'm not making enough time for Eloise? Will she always be the center of my thoughts?