To celebrate Ellie's birthday we decided to do family photos. Family photos are something we typically do around our anniversary in July, but in 2015 that changed. We planned on using our maternity photos as our family photos that year, but Eloise died a week before our appointment. This year it only felt right to do them on her actual birthday. The day before her birthday I felt horrible. My grief was becoming overwhelming, and felt like the early days of this journey. How was I supposed to celebrate my daughters first birthday without her even here. That's not how this is supposed to be. The party my mom had for her didn't even feel like her birthday party. I think I only had one conversation about Eloise. AT HER OWN PARTY. It was heartbreaking. The night was supposed to be about her. Not people getting drunk. Just because the child isn't physically present doesn't mean you don't treat the event like any other child's party. After all the terrible emotions of a terrible night I wasn't the most optimistic for her special day. Fortunately I didn't have to do much to get ready. I made an appointment to get my hair and makeup done because I just knew I would be a mess and wouldn't be able to get myself together. When we got to the park for photos I actually felt the best I had all week. Something about doing this special activity for Eloise. It was all about her. And luckily the photographer (Jackie @ Brittany Gidley Photography) is also a NICU nurse and has experience with family of child loss (Our biggest reason for choosing them!). And she was amazing. We love meeting people, or talking to people in general, who aren't afraid to speak Ellie's name and can have a conversation about her as if she were physically there with us. It was perfect. And our photos- stunning!
The next challenge was the holiday season. I learned this year that I'm pretty much useless from October- January because of my grief. Again, last year I was still in a fog so this was new. I think the hardest part of the holidays was the fact that everyone had moved on. They didn't seem to understand how difficult it was for not only me, but Joel as well. As if we were expected to fall back into the normal holiday routine. We wish we could have skipped the holiday's all together. I think Joel and I have decided that this next year we actually will avoid them. Not matter what people say. Our mental health is so much more important. And I learned I need to speak up for myself more in those situations. Something that is very difficult for me, as I am a people pleaser.
The tree we helped decorate at the Toboggan Chalet
What grief looks like.
Daddy and Ellie Bear in Ellie's Room <3
My holiday grief coping mechanism. An ornament for all the babies who's mom's I follow on Instagram.
We also bought a house- the one we have been living in the last 2 years. The home that FOUR generations of my family have lived in (Grandparents, Dad, Me, Eloise). The only home Eloise has ever known (my biggest motivation for buying it). While most people would be excited for this next step (and I am, don't get me wrong) it's also sad that I don't get to watch Eloise play in it. Her room has sat fully decorated for over a year now, and should have changed as she changes. But instead it is still ready for a newborn that will never sleep in there. We should be making family memories in that home with her. We should get to teach her to ride a bike in the driveway, play in the snow with her puppies, roast marshmallows over a fire. These little moments that I long to have in our first home with our child.
View from our backyard <3
While I had hoped 2017 would be better for us than the last 15 months have been, the year has already started off rocky with health issues, medication, and stress. I hope people will understand that we are still experiencing a life of loss. Of longing for our 15 month old who should be here with us. We may seem to be better on the surface when we are out, but the crashing waves of grief are fierce and will show every now and then. We need people to be gentle with us still. It's not fair to treat us as though we should have moved on. Our lives will be forever incomplete with Eloise.
Until next time...
