I have been extremely hesitant to talk about our journey to give Eloise a sibling publicly. In the first few months, while I was still in shock, I assumed we would eventually have another baby and it would be as easy as it was to get pregnant with Ellie. Because I had a c-section, I was told to wait 12-18 months to start trying again. This would allow my body enough time to heal and hopefully have a vbac.
In August 2016 we decided we were as ready as we could ever be emotionally to start trying again. Making that decision was so difficult for me. I was (and honestly still am) afraid that if we have another baby, Eloise will be forgotten about. The thought of that happening is truly heartbreaking. I love her so much, and I need her to remain a major part of our lives. On some level, not having any more kids felt right just so I could keep this grief front and center in our lives and remind people of Ellie.
After Ellie died, I can't tell you how many people told me "you're young and healthy, you'll have more kids!" It pissed me off back then, and it's even more hurtful now. First, to say that to someone who has lost a child, makes them feel as if they NEED to have another child. They don't. That is a personal decision they can make on their own. Second, that's incredibly disrespectful of the baby that died. It makes the fear of the child being forgotten even more apparent. Third, you don't know that someone is healthy. You don't know what is going on in their body. You don't know if they have struggled with infertility. Making thoughtless comments such as this to make YOURSELF feel more comfortable when talking to a loss parent makes them not want to be friends with you any more.
After a few months of trying, and noticing my cycles getting longer and longer, I decided to call a fertility doctor just to get their opinion. I was so sure that because we got pregnant with Ellie so easily, we would be able to get pregnant again right away. Nope. Meeting with the first fertility doctor was nerve wracking. I was recommended to go to someone else, but because I have little patience, I made an appointment with the first available doctor. So after work one December night, we drove to Solon to meet him. I went over our history and talked about Eloise a little. He handed me a Rx for Clomid and said see you in 6 months if it doesn't work. To say I was pissed at that response was an understatement. I cannot stand doctors who just throw out a Rx without looking at what could be causing the problem to begin with. So to have someone do that in our fertility journey infuriated me. I filled the prescription and waiting for the 3rd day of my cycle to start it. It never did. After multiple negative pregnancy tests, I called the fertility doctor and he gave me another prescription to help start my cycle. Finally, after 73 days without a period, I could start the medication. After that I made the first available appointment with one of the recommended fertility doctors.
We met with the new fertility Dr. (Austin) in February and both Joel and I immediately felt a sense of relief. She wanted (without me saying anything) to do blood work and see what could be causing us to not conceive. They found that my TSH (thyroid) was elevated, but still technically within "standard range." For pregnancy, it's recommended to have it on the lower end of that range, though. So I was prescribed a medication for that. They also saw that my body just wasn't even producing eggs, so my clomid was increased. I also have to do a "trigger shot" to help me ovulate. A trigger shot is an injection of hCG that helps release an egg from your ovary. I have to give this to myself (Joel refused- he didn't want to hurt me) on a specific day in my cycle at just the right time. To know when I need to give myself this shot, I have to go get follicle scans usually twice a month. A follicle scan is an internal ultrasound and it looks at your ovaries to see if any follicles (which hold eggs) are growing. Once they grow to a certain size, I have to give myself that shot in my stomach, so my body releases the egg. We also learned I have a pretty severe Vitamin D deficiency (Thanks, Ohio!). This low Vit. D can cause problems with fertility as well. So on a supplement I go.
( I know, fantastic outfit 😉)
On top of all this, I started seeing an acupuncturist. So many loss mamas told me thy started seeing one and it helped a lot. So Joel and I figured, why not. It could only help. So every Wednesday after work, I go to group acupuncture. It's not my favorite, but it's "cheaper" than private sessions. I also started yoga (again from recommendations of other loss moms). They both give me some time to relax, which is something I desperately needed. I'm a high stress person to begin with, but going through all this definitely made it worse.
After a couple cycles with no positive pregnancy test, we decided to have Joel go though some tests. To be considered "infertile," you normally have to be trying unsuccessfully for about a year. After getting Joel's test results back and after 8 months of trying, we got that label slapped on our medical records. Between me not ovulating, and Joel's morphology being so low, they told us we should start trying IUI (the step before IVF). That's scary. I knew if we got to IUI it would be expensive and that there was no guarantee it would work. Every month could be "wasted" money. Every IUI treatment is $500, and if we have to go though IVF it's over $12k. How are you supposed to go thought IUI and also save for IVF as a backup?! It's hard to stay hopeful and positive when the last 19 months of your life have been hell.
In April we had our first IUI procedure. I didn't know what to expect from it. I wanted it to work so badly. When I went for my follicle scans they saw a few small ones, and 1 large one. Better than none, but I could hear the disappointment in their voices. Based on how the follicle was growing, I had to trigger on a Friday night, and then on Sunday morning we had to go in for the procedure. Joel had a bachelor party the night before, but we couldn't change the appointment. You go based on where your body is in a cycle. You drop your plans and you make it work. We had to wait 2 weeks to find out if it worked. Do you know how long 2 weeks is when you're waiting on something like this?! Because I'm a very impatient person, I decided to test 2 days early. Negative. A couple hours later, negative. That night, period. I was heart broken. We spent all that money (IUI isn't covered by insurance) and didn't get anything out of it. Another month of having the little bit of hope I could muster, destroyed.
Because of the timing of everything, we won't be able to do IUI this month. We have a VERY NEEDED vacation planned during the time we should be doing IUI. IF (and thats a big IF) my body can get itself together and grow those little follicles faster, we may get to do it right before we leave. If not, I'll have to take the trigger with me on vacation. That means keeping my fertility diet going... on vacation. No alcohol, no coffee, and lots of healthy foods, and tons of supplements. But, because we want to give Eloise a sibling, we do what we have to.
This whole process (both loss and infertility) has made me pretty bitter. I hate seeing pregnant women. I hate seeing the people who I once considered my friends, the people who abandoned us, pregnant and most likely bringing home a healthy child. It pisses me off that so many unfit people get to be parents to living children. The only people I actually want to be around any more are other loss moms. Going out and socializing has become a fear. Fear of people asking "do you have any kids?" and them talking about theirs. I hate going on Facebook and what seems like every other day is a pregnancy or birth announcement.
It's frustrating. It's heartbreaking. It's hell...
